Today is one of those hard days in life. Today is the day I don't get to be on top of the world; today I get to just meander through.

In May, you will be gone for three years. Your death was one of the worst things I have ever been through. I knew you for so many years; I couldn't have imagined my life without you, until I was forced to. Your death caused so many people to grief your short-term life. And as much as I catch myself doing that exact thing, I know you would've wanted everyone you loved to be painless. You were such a positive soul in my life and, everyday I live without you, I notice that I catch myself leaning more towards negativity. Whenever I do that, I think of what you would've wanted from me and I laugh because I can hear your voice telling me to "lighten up."

I don't believe in a higher power & I think that is the reason I will never truly get over your death. I know that we are supposed to believe things like "good things happen to good people" and the concept of karma, but when I see your face plastered on a funeral home's memorial card, I don't believe in any of that. Tell me what type of all-knowing being would take a beautiful, young, eighteen year old boy away from his family, his friends and his life. There is no explanation. And that's why I cannot live purely with your passing.

I'll never forget the last time I saw you; I wish I would've known it was going to be the last time because I would've made our two second hug last forever. You were leaving work to go home and eat. You were starving. You said you'd see me tomorrow and you went on your way. After you left, you texted me and asked me if I could grab your water bottle that you left at work and I did. I was gonna see you tomorrow, so I would just give it to you then.

Wrong.

Every time I think about our last time seeing each other, I break into pieces inside. That's because I throughly believe that if there was any type of higher power, I would've gotten a sign that this was the last time I would see one of my best friends in the entire world. But I didn't. You didn't show up to get your water bottle because you weren't on earth anymore. I remember getting the news and crawling under my covers, hoping they would save me from my gruesome reality. I am nauseous looking at motorcycles since 2016.

My point is: I miss you every day and I wish I would've known you were going to leave this earth so young, because I would've tried to make every moment you had on this earth better than the last. I would give any amount of money, any material possession and anything I humanly could to see you again. You were such an amazing guy and you truly passed away too young. It kills me to write this and I am fighting back a ridiculous amount of tears, but I feel like this is the only way I get to talk to you, and if I didn't I would go insane. I don't believe in any magical land after death and I can't say that I ever will, but I hope that wherever we end up after we die, that you are at your ultimate peace. I love you always & forever and miss you every day, every minute and every second of my time on this earth without you.

Happy 22nd birthday best friend,

- Lonesome & Confused