Are we ever really prepared for adulthood? We go though 12-16 years of schooling and we still come out of it just as lost as we were when we started. Yes, we earned a degree or two, but what do we know about life? What's a mortgage? How do you file taxes? And what why are interest rates even a thing? We get jobs and get consumed by a life that sometimes isn't fulfilling and we're just going through the motions that society tells us we have to follow. And most people do well and they finally figure out what a mortgage is and they buy a house and start a family. Life is forever changing no matter what age you are. Change is inevitable and we know it. But even after all the changes we see day in and day out, we're still not prepared to lose our best friends.
If you're lucky you had a best friend or a group of them growing up. Usually you met them in school or playing sports and they stuck with you for years. You spent weekends together and stayed up all night during sleepovers. Their parents and siblings became your second parents and additional siblings. From carpooling to pool parties they were your go to person. You were there for all of their big moments in life just like they were there for yours.
From elementary school to high school, together you experienced awkward phases, underage partying, and first loves and heartbreaks. Looking back on those times you realize that you may not have survived that first break up without your best friend or friends. You probably have a thousand photos together on social media that pop up in your memories. If you're like me and lived a childhood before social media, you probably have a lot of those pictures actually framed in your bedroom or in a scrapbook.
Again, if you're lucky, you go though your childhood and early adult years with the same best friend or group of them. I read one time that if a friendship lasts longer than seven years, it's going to last forever. Because of that statement I was pretty confident that my best friends were set for life because we had exceeded the 10+ year mark.
We all know that nothing compares to the relationships we have with our best friends. Sure we have our parents, significant others, siblings, and other family members, but the beauty of those relationships lies in their differences. A best friendship with a boyfriend or girlfriend is tremendously different than our relationship with our best friends. No one can give you advice like your mother but sometimes it's hard to tell your parents the same things you'd tell your friends. Friendship is an honest relationship that brings you joy and comfort and reassurance that you have someone to go through your problems with you. And maybe sometimes we take those friendships for granted because we think they'll never leave us. Maybe that's why it's so hard when they do.
I've written about the stages of a best friend break up before (https://www.theodysseyonline.com/best-friend-break-up-11-27) and how to get through it. And I thought I was over my lost friendship up until recently (two days ago) when I realized that I'm still suffering. I think we all go through that. When we lose one of our best friends it's easy to brush it off and pretend like we don't care. It's easy to keep spending time with our remaining friends and not spend too much time thinking about the past. It's easy to stop checking their social media accounts, to hide them from our feeds, and avoid events where they might be present. It's also easy to be spiteful and shove it in their face that you're still doing great and they're not around to celebrate all of your accomplishments.
Those things are easy to do on the surface. The hard part is forcing yourself to truly feel that way. In my opinion, for those of us who have lost a great friend we also lost a little piece of our heart along with them. You feel the pain every time someone brings up their name and when you see their pictures. You try not to cry when an old photo pops up and the person staring back at you is a total stranger. You wonder how in the world did we get to this place? We knew every detail about each other and now we don't anything.
Over the last year of my life I have shut a lot of people out. I have found it hard to talk about my feelings and emotions because I feel like talking about my feelings and emotions will only push people away. I think when we lose someone close to us, we try everything we can to hold on tighter to the people we have left. Sometimes that hurts our current relationships as well because we hold on too tight and we try to make everything perfect. Or on the flip side we can become careless, selfish, and even heartless because we already lost something important so why worry about everything else.
When you lose your best friend you start to question yourself and those around you. How can you trust anyone, when the person you've trusted with your life is now gone? How can you move forward? It becomes hard to open up to people (even the best friends you still have) because it almost feels pointless. You still love and have faith in those around you but it's still hard. Your entire outlook of life changes (at least it did for me) and you still struggle even months or years later to cope with the loss of your friend.
Everyday you fight a battle with yourself about trying to reach out to them. Maybe if I just send them a message, everything could go back to normal again? It hurts when you get good news and you just want to call them to hear the excitement in their voice and you can't. You think about your future and how every plan you had is now different because they're not apart of your life anymore. Maybe you had planned to be roommates one day, or take a trip around the world, or be each others bridesmaids in your weddings. So you start to think about moving out and getting married differently. If I can't have everyone I love by my side, then whats the point?
I wish I had all of the answers for myself and for those of you also struggling with something similar. Your first ever heartbreak can't even compare to the way you feel about losing your best friend. Especially when you look back and realize that maybe your best friend or friends were your first true love. Not in a romantic way, but they are your hand chosen soulmates and they are supposed to stay with you forever. You love them so much and it's hard to picture not having them.
While it contradicts most of what I said, I think it is important to remember that you do have others in your life and that you will make new friends along the way. I think that it's so hard to look back on those times you spent with your friend, but it's also important. Maybe one day we'll all have a moment where we do decide to reach out. If that happens, maybe we'll be met with open arms or maybe we'll be ignored. I think the most important thing is that we always support them. Even if we don't know whats going on in their life, we support them. We should wish them well and above all else, continue to love them regardless of our pain. If I feel this way and you are reading this and agreeing with me, maybe our old friends feel the same way too.
Growing up is hard enough without feeling prepared for anything. Losing a friendship is an even bigger slap in the face because we don't want to face the unknown alone. We don't want to go through these big changes without our biggest supporters by our side. It's hard, but change, loss, and forgiveness are huge parts of growing up.
