When I was little, one of my favorite books was "A Child's Book of Dos and Don'ts."
Now that I'm older, I've realized two things: The kids on the cover of this book look like they're on their way to set someone's house on fire. Also, nobody made a follow-up version for when they took their little red wagon to college. This is where I come in. For incoming freshmen, here is the sequel to this book, based on my personal experiences and observations.
1. Leave the aforementioned red wagon at home.
Do: walk.
Don't: Drive your motorcycle through campus, ride a bull to class, take a horse and carriage to the caf, etc. Just walk, if you can.
2. The Caf
Do: Call the dining hall the "caf" (if you're an ASU student).
Don't: Call it the "ASU Acansa Dining Hall" or the "cafeteria," and it is 110 percent absolutely never in a million years EVER the "cafe."
3. Mealtime seating arrangements
Do: Sit with your friends if you want to. Sit by yourself if you don't see anyone. Nobody will make fun of you if you sit alone. I promise.
Don't: Blow up your GroupMe or text messages to see if anyone is in the "cafe." Spend some time with yourself. It'll be okay.
4. Extracurricular activities
Do: Get involved with whatever clubs or groups interest you. You're not limited to one thing; I sing in the choir and I'm in a sorority. Give Greek Life a try if you think you might enjoy it.
Don't: If you are a girl and you do go Greek, don't call yourself "srat." I'm begging you. It is not a word. I looked it up before I wrote this article.
5. Cleaning
Do: Take your clothes and towels to visit the washer and dryer at least once a week. Wash your sheets more than once a semester. Learn to use a broom. Swiffer mops need to become your best friend.
Don't: Wait for your mom to faint dead away from the stink of your socks when she comes to visit, only to wake up and clean your room in a panic before your building is condemned by the health department.
6. Class
Do: GO TO CLASS. GO.
Don't: Sit in your bed and scroll Facebook or play video games or whatever it is people do when they skip class. Sometimes you just aren't emotionally stable enough to deal with your professors, so a personal day might be necessary on a rare occasion.
7. Family
Do: Call your parents or grandparents to let them know you're still alive every once in a while. Heaven forbid you ask them for advice, but believe it or not, they usually know what they're talking about and they DO miss you when you're at school.
Don't: Adopt the guy who talks to trees as your new parent. I don't know. Just call your family.
8. Fire alarms
Do: Watch your popcorn when it's in the microwave so you don't burn down the building and make the whole hallway smell like whatever food you burned (trust me, that is a real problem). Also, go outside when the alarm goes off, even if it's at 3 a.m. (that happened at my dorm once). I now sleep in nice pajamas just in case that happens again. It's a humbling experience, and sometimes you laugh about it later. Sometimes.
Don't: Pull the fire alarm. I'd karate chop a person's hand in two if I caught them doing that or if I knew karate.
9. Food
Do: Try to eat something besides pizza and ice cream from the caf every day. Just because your parents aren't there to tell you to eat your vegetables doesn't mean your body doesn't need some nutrients. There is more healthy food in the caf than people want to see.
Don't: Eat ramen noodles and Taco Bell and Domino's and your neighbor's pet goldfish all the time! Your body will get sad! And fat! The Freshman 15 can be avoided!
10. Dorm Decor
Do: Buy the essentials. If you decide you need all the random stuff you saw at Bed Bath and Beyond in July, go back and get it in September.
Don't: Do what I did and bring a lap desk, an ironing board, a vase, etc. It's just more of a pain to move out. Do as I say and not as I do.
BONUS: You can buy your books before class starts, but beware. Usually the professor will tell you on the first day whether or not you will actually need to use the book.
So, there you have it, children. A College Freshman's Book of Dos and Don'ts. Hopefully this helps you some. If you decided not to read this and would rather make some foolish mistakes on your own, feel free to call me for life coaching during in the school year. I charge $10 an hour.
