Freshman year is one for the books. Its experiences are insane and hilarious, just like a man we all know and love: Chris Farley. So here it is, folks: freshman year of college, as told by Chris Farley.
Asking to go to your friends house a second time is futile. In fact, it may make things worse.
You don’t get to go out Friday and Saturday, silly child. Choose one.
This significantly improves your chances of getting a yes. Pro tip: Doing extra chores helps.
Who are you going with? What time? Where are you going? Who else is going? Who are their parents? Where do they work? How long have they been there?
Prepare yourself for a lecture when you get home.
If you ever want to be able to go out again, you better go home on time.
Calls start coming the minute you’re late.
R.I.P. if you see two or more missed calls.
Because the one room they will not go in determines the cleanliness of the rest of the house.
Anything remotely inappropriate results in a 10 second joke turning into a 30 minute lecture.
Disclaimer: When you turn 18, it becomes, “My roof, my rules.”
Don't be that kid that gets caught by their parents driving somewhere they weren't supposed to be.
I don’t care if you were told to hunt down the last unicorn in the world using a pot of gold stolen from the leprechaun at the end of a rainbow. Just do it.
Say your prayers.
The second you hear your name being called, drop everything you’re doing and run.
They just aren’t. Why sleep somewhere else when you have a bed at home?
They might not always show it, but they do.
Getting a pet is great -- cats, dogs, fish, or any sort of thing you can keep makes you care for something beyond yourself and gives you company. (Some are huggable, too!) As a pet owner, you can definitely tell when they’ve gotten into trouble … and sometimes you get a little weird with them. Non-pet owners just wouldn’t understand.
Without parents to wake you up, how do you even? Or, you know, if you fall asleep at your desk studying because you're working hard. Rough life, man. And mornings were hard enough as it was.
We all make mistakes, Ross. It's fine. Whether you mixed your colored laundry with your whites, or you were cleaning and you bleached something that was not meant to be bleached, there's gonna be nobody at fault but you. And even if you're by yourself (or your cat is judging you), you have to own up to it, and move on.
Nobody can do sarcasm like Phoebe. Cooking is very exciting in the beginning and all, but once you're at that stage in your life when you're too lazy to even make ramen, and all you have in your fridge is an empty milk carton and some leftovers from last week, well, it's a lot less fun.
You've finally got a place where your friends can hang and people can come over! But see above. Cooking, cleaning, all that stuff you need to do to prepare for guests is harder than it seems, and if you keep telling yourself that pizza isn't a cop-out, then everything will work out.
Just like Chandler, you might not be entirely aware of what health and sanitation is. It's fine, we've all been there. And it's a lot harder than it seems. You're not alone.
Since you can go all out, you will, and there's nothing your roommates can do about it. Friendsgiving? Heck yeah! St. Patty's Day? Of course! And best of all, Halloween, where your space becomes the spookiest around (on a budget, of course, nobody's made of money).
So maybe you don't live exactly alone. It's good to have a roommate, right? Especially if they're a good roommate, so you don't have to be picking up after them or complaining to your cat. And when you want to have a do-nothing day, they'll be there for you (and you'll be there for them too.)
Don't even pretend. That's hilarious. If you can study, good for you, but the rest of us will be over here not doing what we should and hanging out with our friends instead. And cramming and panicking later.
If you've ever cleaned a place after a party, you are a survivor, a true warrior. Even cleaning bathrooms or the nooks and crannies of your place before a parent visits will yield some interesting results, however. You never know what you'll find, but it's usually not pleasant.
There's only two modes here: #foreveralone or everything's coming up roses. Without supervision or even any sort of restriction, you can do what you want to when you want to. That means going out ... or staying in. You can do whatever.
I digress.
Point being, family is always there – on the good days, the bad days, and even the days that you forget to shower (thanks guys). They still remind you to tie your shoes before you leave the house, and they wake you up when your alarm goes off 6 times and you still haven’t gotten out of bed. They support you in the bad times, applaud you in the good times, and, of course, lovingly humiliate you in all the worst times.
Unless you’re my brother, who likes to strip down every ounce of pride and good character that I have left in my body after enduring a 15-week semester from hell.
Totally kidding. I love my brother. And my semester wasn’t actually personally gifted to me by Satan himself.
But that doesn’t negate the fact that during Thanksgiving break this year, he decided to tell me that I’m the family member with the “resting bitch face”.
“It’s not that bad,” he tried to tell me.
Thanks. Happy Thanksgiving.
What is it about the infamous “RBF” that makes some people just… have it? Why do I have one, but my mom doesn’t? Why does the girl across the hall have one, but her roommate doesn’t? Why does the cashier at Dairy Queen have one, but everyone who gets ice cream from her doesn’t?
It’s talent. It has to be.
I guess I don’t disagree with my brother. But he’s definitely the first one to have ever pointed it out. If you’re anything like me (and your brother tried to soften the blow by telling you that Pout-Pout Fish was “your book”), then you might resonate with these 7 things whenever someone asks you, “Do you know what an “RBF” is?"
I already know where this is going.
I mean, I’m not lying. I’m in college. “Tired” is just another thing that courses through my veins and keeps me alive – alongside caffeine, Netflix, and probably really cheap alcohol.
Thinking about the next time I’m going to get food, probably. No really, I’m not mad. Just hungry.
My zone-out time is just really sacred, that’s all.
This one’s really convenient for all of us passive-aggressive introverts out there who hate drawing attention to ourselves.
Or maybe I do. Actually I don’t know. I hope I don’t.
Having a RBF can’t possibly be worse than having a creepy smile every time you zone out, can it?
I’ve learned that the nice thing about suffering from RBF is that it means alone time when you need it. Can’t be that bad, right? I mean, if it makes anyone more comfortable, I could start eerily smiling and laughing quietly to myself every time I zone out. But somehow I don’t think that would make the situation any less awkward. So instead, I’m just going to embrace my RBF for now. And maybe go read Pout-Pout Fish. But if I start to seem angry while I’m reading it, I promise I’m not. I’m probably just really into it.
15 minute grace period? Mmm, yeah, not so much. You were on time to class, and you don't have time for slackers.
Ah yes, the delightful moment when you've been so preoccupied with other assignments that you forgot about one from another class. Classic. Cue the inevitable "head desk."
Let's be real, you probably aren't paying attention anyway.
What will you have for lunch? You're starving. You hope it isn't mystery pizza or half-frozen salad. Your only hope is that the cereal machines are stocked.
You'd bet your last Ramen noodle packet that the professor is just as bored as you are. You wonder how much they're getting paid. It can't be too much, or they would be more excited.
Let's face it, you'll be paying off student loans long after college. But it sure is nice to remind yourself what you're working for when the lecture seems to be going on forever.
There are so many other things you could be doing right now. Such as, figuring out how you're going to pay off debt and also fund your future corgi-farm. So much to do, so little time.
Crank up those tears, make sure your voice sounds nice and wobbly, and who knows! You could score some sympathy money or a care package.
Juggling for a living sounds way more fun than this. Maybe you could even ride a unicycle, or make yourself disappear!
Wow, you'd make quite a living as a street performer. Even if street performing doesn't work out, you could totally do something else, right?
You can barely make it up the stairs to class, much less perform for a living. Well, "this is it," you guess. You're resigned to a boring, conventional, existence with a stable job.
The good news is, that's not true! You're super talented. Making it into college and learning how to function on minimal sleep and dirty clothes most certainly requires creativity and hard-work. You could totally street perform! Or ... get a regular, well-paying job. The choice is yours. Good luck, fellow padawans.
1. "I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else."
Tina reminds us that we are all merely human.
2. "If you believe you're beautiful, you will be."
But sometimes self-confidence is difficult to maintain. That's why it's important to have people are who remind you how wonderful you are.
3. Family is always there for a good bedroom dance party.
4. Or even a kitchen dance party. As long as you're together and having fun, it will all be alright.
5. Embrace love. Embrace having crushes.
6. And get creative with how you express your love.
7. It's OK to feel overwhelmed by life. It gets us all down sometimes
8. Linda knows how to live.
9. You don't have to know everything about something to enjoy it.
Especially wine
10. Rock your own look. Even if you seem ridiculous, you are being you.
11. Honesty is often the best policy, especially if you want flawless skin.
12. Don't let anyone keep you from celebrating to the fullest.
Eat all the cake.
13. No matter what, the Belchers always seem to be having a good time. So appreciate those around you and just keep groovin'.
