We all remember the beginnings of our college journeys. Back in the sepia-tinted days of yesteryear, when the walking-path routes from dining hall to classroom still felt strange beneath your feet, your email was flooded daily by too many listservs, and you were probably going to major in international relations, and, I don’t know, maybe a double in government.
For most of us, that time of almost-certainty and loosely-outlined five year plans is a vivid memory. But for freshman Henry Lieschman, those memories may never form. “I just don’t have any idea, ya know?” said Lieschman when asked about his intended major. “I mean sure, I love my ‘Sexuality in World Religions’ course, but let’s be real. It has zero impact on my career path.”
Lieschman, who is aiming to spend most of the year “Just taking random classes and seeing what happens,” has been less than a dream come true for his roommate Sean Bowman. “He keeps referencing my lack of actual experience in the medical field,” Bowman said of his randomly-assigned cohabitant. “Every time I list off my top three med schools he just chortles to himself and goes back to reading Thoreau.”
Lieshcman’s parents, on the other hand, are thrilled by their son’s bizarre behavior. “He’s 18… when I was 18 I wanted to major in keg stands,” said Mr. Lieschman with an annoyed, puzzled look on his face. “All that matters to us, is that he’s being honest about his complete absence of forethought,” echoed Henry’s mother. “But with the tuition fees we’re paying, I’m sure he’ll get it all sorted out by his junior year. He’s at a wonderful institution after all.”
Multiple lines of questioning yielded the same results from Lieschman. “Why would I be ‘intending’ to major in neuroscience? I know literally nothing about the subject,” he replied when asked if he had, you know, any plan in mind at all. “Honestly I’m mainly here to go to house parties and debate when life begins in my intro philosophy class. It’s not like I’m paying my own way here.”
Lieschman’s bluntly unprepared attitude has caused quite a stir among the school’s faculty. “How is he supposed to change his major or doubt himself without a flimsy academic path in mind?” said Professor Gerold Turbeckiss, a member of the biology department. “It’s not natural to come in without a clear-cut intended field of study to declare with unwarranted confidence.”
For all of the commotion however, Henry himself does not seem to be phased. “People keep saying I have plenty of time to figure this stuff out. And saying I’m thinking about majoring in marketing because I’m interested in the business world would be a direct lie before God and man. So I think I’m just gonna sit in this deteriorating beanbag chair and listen to the new Frank Ocean album.”
