I would like to begin by saying that I have no idea how this whole “college” thing happened. Quite frankly, it feels like I just got done with middle school; Lord knows my sense of humor hasn’t changed. Though I didn’t think I was mentally equipped to make it this far, God’s grace came in clutch.

I got through the awkward moments of getting to know my roommate and what questions were too awkward to ask. Thankfully, I ended up with a roommate who put up with all of the questions, from boys to fashion advice back to boys. I got through 34 units of exams, essays and stress. I even avoided the freshman 15—take that, unlimited cookies!

Though, contrary to my perfectly-edited Instagram feed, I definitely do not have it under control. In order to understand the extent of my hot mess-ness, appreciate that I am currently sitting on my white sheets stained with; peanut butter, jelly, pizza, macaroni and cheese, hair dye, sharpie and what I think are cute-pictures-of-dog-induced mascara stains. Each of these stains tells a story, though. Each stain helps me remember each moment that has passed to get me to this one.

If I knew my senior year what I know now, things would look a whole lot different. In this case, though, “different” does not necessarily equate to “better.” The experiences, transitions and lessons I have had to face have completely wrecked me in the best ways.

These past eight months have been crucial to my spiritual, mental and emotional growth. I have been absolutely challenged in every way.

And I am grateful.

I am so grateful for the laughs and unnecessary photo shoots in the most absurd places. I am glad I had friends who were willing to sit with me and listen to my rants. I am glad that I drank the richest sip of the world that my little mouth could handle.

Most importantly, I want to thank the “no’s” I had to receive. I am glad that my roommate called me out when I was a little too sassy. I am glad that I did not make ASB or the golf team after allowing that to be my identity in high school. I am glad I had to stand up for my beliefs with everything inside of me. I found the things that bring me absolute joy.

I have spent the last eight months figuring out what makes me Brittney. Beyond that, a new group of brains to pick picked me as a friend. I am forever grateful for those relationships.

This was not a complete restart. While I started a new life out in a new city, I had a loving support system at home. My only hope is that I can go back and make them proud. I want to allow these stains on my bed sheets to stain my heart. In less than two weeks, when I am cuddled in the arms of my family—and faithful pup—I just want to be the Brittney whose heart Loma took eight months ago.