I am currently at a place in my life where i am realizing how futile my efforts are in moving towards my goal. I am to ashamed of my history and past actions to blatantly want to live. Yet I am smart enough to know that dying is not an option either because that eliminates the chance of it ever getting better. I do know that it will eventually get better. It is just taking its sweet time getting there.

This all started about a week ago. First i learned that my mom is in the hospital again. That is not a new thing because she is there at least once a month because she has an auto-immune deficiency. She has been in and out of the hospital for various reasons for almost 10 years. But this time it is a little more serious because they think she either has Mono or something just as severe. If she has a disease or infection that severe her chance of survival is the same a mine if i were to attack a bear with a toothpick.

This Sunday my wife did something great, but it was the admission of something I figured was happening. She admitted that she was having an affair. I already figured it was happening because in every serious relationship i have ever been in, I have either cheated or been cheated on. There was never and exception and there never will be. I have come to the realization that I must have done something to deserve this. I must have committed some heinous crime in order for God to punish me this badly.

Finally, I have started to doubt the widely accepted view of a caring and loving God. Sure he sent his son to die for us but if he wouldn't have created us, his son would be alive. Yet he created an imperfect being that couldn't survive without him. The motivation behind that seems suspicious to me. Why would you create a universe where everything's sole purpose is to glorify their creator. According to that logic he created everything to give him attention and adoration with no realized concept of free will. Yeah we think we have free will but if you think about it we actually don't. No matter what we do it is a part of God's plan and therefore it was not our idea. Free will? Yeah right.

I am not bashing christianity with this article. Rather, I am encouraging to come to your own conclusions about religion instead of just accepting what the church feeds you. Learn things for yourself and come to realize that we cannot comprehend God. We are finite and he is infinite. It is physically impossible. I am encouraging the seeking of knowledge not the abandonment of one's morals and faith. If what you learn affirms your faith then good for you. If it does the opposite, then its your choice. Choose to listen to me or don't. It is up to you.