"I'm fat," I state, as I look at my stomach in the mirror.

My friend encourages me. "You're fat and what?" he asks. "Spherical?" "No, proud!" he exclaims.

"I'm fat and I'm proud," I announce.

"Louder!" he screams.

"I'm fat and I'm proud. I'm fat and I am proud!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

Sometimes it pays off to be fat. When you hear the word food, your eyes roll to the back of your head and your salivation increases. "Where is the donut?" you ask your friend. Any opportunity is an opportunity to eat. Now what if I said, "Free food." What would you do for a Klondike bar? Now what would you do for a free Klondike bar?

I did my research for all of you and you better be appreciative. Everyone knows about free pancake day at I-HOP. I thought to myself, "What if there are more days like that with bigger and better foods for free?" So I scavenged for as much info as I could find. I've compiled a list of days this year you, yes you, can get free food!

1. National Pretzel Day (April 26)

OK, so I'm cheating here (I'm not talking abut my diet), but in the past Auntie Anne's has given away pretzels for a dollar. I know I'm stretching it here, but I thought I'd start with the crappiest deals and go for the absolute free ones in the end.

2. First Day of Spring (March 20)

So this is today, but Rita's Italian Ice is giving away free cups of ice for anyone who shows up. And no one's stopping you from going five times the same day.

3. April 15th

So like, there's tax freebies on April 15th. Free Cinnabon bites at Cinnabon, free curly fries at Arby's and free small popcorn at AMC.

4. National Donut Day

On the first Friday in June, Krispy Kreme will give out free donuts. So go back 20 times and save up for the summer.

5. Cow Appreciation Day (July 11th)

OK, so is this real because I don't know. Apparently Chick-fil-A gives away free food if you dress like a cow. I'm ordering a cow costume online right now.

6. Halloween

We all know the four dollar burritos you get if you dress up at Chipotle Mexican Grill, but Krispy Kreme is giving away free donuts again for those who dress up. To be honest, just walk into every restaurant you think will give you something because maybe they will.

7. National Cookie Day (Dec. 4th)

Quiznos gives away free cookies. Mark it down.

OK, so this was really hard to do. Apparently in 2016, everyone is cheap. I remember the days when things were actually free. Now no one can even give away a free single french fry. I mean, if you really want free cake or ice cream, then just tell the restaurant it's your birthday. You might still have to pay for it though.