A few weeks ago, I laid in bed, deeply submerged in thoughts surrounding Marc Antony (as is, I think, a common occurrence for your average eighteen year old). The man, the myth, the legend, with his simultaneously extraordinary and disastrous life. He lived only fifty-three years, during some of the most tumultuous times in Rome’s history, yet he lived on as such a distinct individual with an incredible span of experiences, becoming the subject for literature and film alike. As I reclined upon my bed, mulling over his characteristics and clutching my Simba pillow pet to my chest, a thought pricked my mind: Marc Antony is the original frat guy.
The “eureka” moment. I chuckled to myself (in only a mildly villainous way), and thought, What should I do with this information?
Well, you guessed it. Write an article.
Now, I can hear you now. “Hey, you can’t just classify all frat guys into one group.” Fear not. I wouldn’t dream of classifying a group based on an individual. My comparison here is based off of a specific kind of frat guy I’ve had significant exposure to and I’ve found is fairly common. So if you’re in a frat or you know someone who is, don’t worry, I know; not all frat guys.
1. Venus has blessed him with physical beauty.
Look, I know you don’t want to fess up. I sure don’t. But try as you might to ignore it, you definitely steal tiny glances at him from time to time to admire his bone structure. It doesn’t matter whether he’s your type or not, he’s just so classic and timeless it’s impossible not to appreciate his beauty, even just on an aesthetic level. He absolutely knows how pretty he is and wields his attractiveness like a lance. Somehow he manages to pull off the “I’m the Future of This Country” and the “I Just Rolled Out of Bed” looks with ease and grace. Marc Antony himself donned shorter tunics to flaunt his defined legs to the world and was frequently compared in looks to Hercules, son of the god Jupiter. (Contrary to popular knowledge, Hercules is the Roman version of the demigod, not Greek. The Greek equivalent is Heracles.) His family supposedly descended from Anton, one of Hercules’ sons, and Antony boasted his physique stemmed from that godly blood.
2. He’s infuriatingly warm and charming.
You may not be friends, but in that fleeting small talk prior to class, you feel like he’s truly interested in and sympathetic to whatever you have to say. His body language is open, inviting, and his eye contact is killer. He could probably crush someone’s skull with his handshake grip alone. He probably majors in either business or economics, where his natural skill in oral communication shines best. Antony was known for his empathy and generosity in commanding his soldiers, and sometimes broke down and cried when addressing them or listening to them. He also played practical jokes and enjoyed exposing himself as silly and ridiculous for laughs.
3. He’s dated more people in the last month than you ever have.
Maybe date is too structured a term, but dang, he gets around. Hey now, no shame in enjoying one’s self (unless one is dating multiple people at once without consent—then yikes). It’s awe-inspiring how easily he gets people to like him, and frankly, you’re a teensy bit envious. He should really enlighten us mortals in his mode of seduction. Antony’s escapades started when he was young and lasted his whole life, as he perused through multiple wives and who knows how many mistresses. He sure knew how to, ah, enjoy himself.
4. His intelligence and rationality drop by 40% around certain romantic interests.
He’s surprisingly weak-willed when it comes to romantic relationships, and allows his significant other to mold his wishes to theirs. These significant others hold tight lures on him, and he’ll do anything to impress them and keep them around, and I mean anything. He’ll make some atrocious, idiotic life decisions because of them, blind to reality and lost from reason. We all know of Antony’s affair with Cleopatra, and he made choices that lost wars and isolated him because he lagged behind her like a puppy on a leash. Even before Cleopatra got to him, one of his wives, Fulvia, exerted her will through him, and is said to have “broken him in.”
5. A cloud of drama follows him everywhere.
You’re never sure what exactly is going on. You overhear the furtive, hushed rants by him and about him, see the lightning quick responses of his group chats, learn and recognize the names of people you’ve never even laid eyes on, yet you never identify the source of the dispute. His enemies change by the week: sometimes it’s his best friend Chris, sometimes it’s his roommate, sometimes it’s his latest ex, sometimes it’s the three of them teamed together. It’s a labyrinth, and it’s best to just steer clear. While he portrays himself as amiable and reasonable, his anger is jealous and vicious, and he will slice someone to pieces with his words if he deems it necessary. Antony held grudges against men like Cicero, who had Antony’s step-father executed, and Donabello, who Antony suspected had seduced his wife. He also played cat and mouse with his sometimes ally, sometimes enemy Augustus, adopted son of Julius Caesar and the re-ignition of the monarchy, until his death.
6. He parties. Hard.
Sometimes you wonder how much of his daily life he spends hungover, for it seems that at every open opportunity his frat “turns up,” as the kids say. Legends of these parties somehow manage to find you, though again, you’re never confident in the exact details. You know they must be something, because he doesn’t have a stellar attendance record. Often he skips or shows up twenty minutes late, looking like he was hit by a truck. Antony fell under scorn because of his excessive drinking habits, passing out and vomiting at friends’ places and in public. In his youth he spiraled into debt through the influence of his friend Curio, with the both of them drinking and enjoying themselves so lavishly, before he somewhat grouped himself back together in the military.
7. He will probably be very successful.
With his charisma and his connections, you know he’s going to go far in his chosen field. His face is destined to be on the cover of a magazine or newspaper someday (or the equivalent electronic versions), and you know you’ll read multiple articles where his name pops up. Hey, I had a class with him once, you’ll think. Huh. If he really soars above expectations, he may even write a book someday, either on a topic in his profession or on himself and his life. From a young age, Antony showed potential for an illustrious career in war and politics, and he quickly established himself as a strong leader in adverse times, surviving and snatching victories in horrible conditions and circumstances.
8. Yet, he will probably be the cause of his own downfall.
From the drama of his youth and his eternally complicated social life, you can just sense a scandal lurking ahead. Perhaps he’ll partake in an affair (or multiple), perhaps he’ll permanently ostracize a connection with a scathing article, or perhaps his old party habits will return to consume him once more. Only time will tell. His face will be plastered everywhere following the scandal’s release, but instead of edited portrait shots, the pictures will be grainy, unflattering candids. He’ll release statements, and eventually everything will wind down, but his career will never again have the momentum it once did. As I said above, Antony’s choices (though these choices were mostly instilled by Cleopatra) cost him wars and friends and eventually his life.
Like Marc Antony, the frat guy may last through history as a lesson, and he may serve as an entertaining story for the masses. Whatever happens is up to the future, but I suggest keeping a close eye on him. Maybe there will be plays and movies featuring him two thousand years from now; you don't want to miss the plot unfolding in real time.
