I celebrate Bastille Day every year. Sometimes the festivities occur in downtown Chicago, and other times I make traditional French food to pair with French cocktails and just stay in. Either way, I celebrate every 14^th of July. I am madly in love with France. It is a country that was always meant to be my home. I have so much pride for this country that it feels I’m already native, so when France is hurting, I am too. Bastille Day is a celebration of the storming of the Bastille prison, which marked the start of the French Revolution. It’s a very important day in French history, their national day. This year, July 14, 2016, while everyone was celebrating with fireworks in Nice, France, a massive truck plowed through spectators, killing 84 people and leaving 18 people “entre la vie et la mort,” according to BFMTV.

When France is in pain, it hurts my heart more than I could possibly explain. There aren’t words for the feeling it brings me. France has been in pain many times in the past 18 months. The last time I studied abroad in France I was in living in Paris, the 11^th arrondissement. I lived around the corner from the Charlie Hebdo office the same January it was attacked; in fact, I arrived in Paris the day after the attack occurred. You can only imagine how that felt. Although, the city was much calmer than expected even with the militia holding their guns, dressed in their swat gear, guarding the airport. I never felt unsafe during my time there. The city of Paris handled the terrorist attack on Charlie Hebdo nobly. There was a sense of pride everywhere in Paris. It was clear that the people of France wanted the world to see that this act was not going to intimidate them. Since then, more attacks have occurred and France has always come out stronger.

I was present in Paris for the development of the phrase “Je Suis Charlie;” it was plastered all over city buildings. Since then, the phrase has altered depending on the event, but the message has never changed. Liberté, egalité, fraternité and a constant prayer for solidarité; these are values that France will always uphold no matter the circumstances.

As I watched François Hollande speak at 3:50 a.m. (French time), I was in tears. This violence needs to end. France is staying in a state of emergency for three more months. As Hollande speaks, he mentions the attack on the 13^th of novembre and janvier 2015. Taking a small quote from his speech, he states, “France is strong and France will always be stronger, I assure you.” This is true and this will always be true.

Now, being in the United States while a country I love boundlessly hurts over and over again feels like torture. A lot of people would probably want to distance themselves from the events, and stay away from France with all this chaos ensuing. I want the exact opposite. I want to be there, be with people who understand the love I have for this country, and be surrounded by the pride and the unwillingness to abandon it.

That same night I go to bed restless with so many questions. Seeing pictures and welling up at the idea of the madness that has taken place on a day that represents freedom. I do this with many horrible events. Picturing vividly the screams, the terror, and anxiety. It doesn’t make the pain better.

Waking up the morning after the attack feels like a nightmare, one that so many countries face daily. I’m confused as to how our world became this way. So much hate and violence mar places of beauty. I can’t see that happening to France as well. I find myself fighting an internal feeling to stay asleep until the violence ends. Being updated and educated on the events that take place around the world becomes a heavy weight, but living in the dark is no way to live.

It’s our time to remember always that peace will win and fear will lose. Good will triumph over evil, and we will see a day when there is no more pain. That day may not be close, but it will come.

I can't sit here and write a plan of action. I don't have one, but I can write my feelings, and hope the right people can see, through profound emotion, that the world is hurting and that needs to change.