As summer comes to an end and the new school year draws near, I want to take a moment to share a few tips on how to survive living on campus and getting along with your roommates.
During my first two and a half years at college, I was in an abusive relationship (friendship) with my former roommate; at the time I didn’t realize I was being manipulated and used, even though my parents and friends attempted to make me see the situation for what it was. Ultimately, halfway through my junior year at Purchase, I finally realized how right they were — instead of being in a mutually respectful friendship, I saw that it was completely one-sided. I had been used and abused, completely drained of any positivity. My third year at Purchase had become a depressing, oppressive time because of the toxic environment I was living in (the worst thing about this entire experience was being forced to endure her boyfriend living with us — more on this later) and realizing that this negative, selfish person didn’t care about my well being or my feelings whatsoever. Luckily, as I became aware of the truth, I grew a backbone and stood up for myself (which I’d never done before).
If you are lucky enough to live with wonderful roommates and become friends for life, that’s awesome! But if things don’t turn out as you hoped, I’d like to help you learn from my experience and keep your sanity while living with mean-spirited, shitty roommates. Here are some tips:
1. Set some ground rules.
If you can manage to do this before you move into your dorm or apartment, by all means, do so. Set up a Skype session or even a Facebook group chat and come up with some rules with your roommates/apartment-mates. If you can’t have a discussion before then, just wait until move-in day. Once everyone is unpacked and settled, get some dinner and have a little meeting. Tell each other what you’re comfortable and uncomfortable with, how you will share your living space, talk about what your daily schedules are like. This way, you will all be able to figure out who’s cooking dinner on Tuesday night and who has to get up for that dreaded 8:30 a.m. class. You can also create a list of chores and responsibilities, including taking out the trash, washing the dishes and so on. Just make sure you do this sooner rather than later! Trust me, you’ll regret it if you don’t.
2. If there's a problem, talk about it.
This tip is extremely important. If an issue arises, don’t be afraid to say something. Whether small or large — anyissue is important so don’t be nervous or intimidated to say something. I’ll give you a quick example from my previous apartment — unwashed spoons. My roommate and I are very clean and neat when living on campus; we immediately wash our dishes (from utensils to pots and pans) after using them. I don’t believe it’s right to make someone else wash my dishes if they need to use them. Our other apartment-mates, however, did not feel the same way.
The dishes, especially spoons, would sit in the sink for weeks without being washed. I was so tempted to wash them myself, but I wanted the one who used them to wash them. Finally, after weeks of no clean spoons, my roommate and I tried to talk to our other apartment-mates about it. When we couldn’t get them to sit down and actually discuss it, we sent out a text in our group message saying, "We all need to make sure we wash the spoons after we’re done with them." It’s crucial to say “we need to” and not “you need to,” because it can feel like an attack. In my case, though, my other apartment-mates still said my roommate and I were attacking them (even though we clearly weren’t). Anyway, the moral of this story is stand up for yourself. If there is something bothering you, simply talk about it. From my own experience, I can’t guarantee everyone will see eye to eye, but I can guarantee you will feel so much better for expressing yourself.
3. Don't be afraid to get outside help.
For the cases that you and your apartment-mates can’t see eye-to-eye on, don't be afraid to reach out for help. After the spoon incident, more and more issues began piling up: dishes weren’t washed, the shared bathroom and living room weren’t cleaned, supplies we purchased were used and not replaced. The most egregious and blatant abuse was “the boyfriend” situation. One of the girls had her boyfriend living with us, even though he had his own dorm room on campus. He would shower at our place and sleep over every single night. My roommate and I were not OK with this — we weren’t on the occasional night, but we were very uncomfortable with how often he was staying. We didn’t sign up to live with a fifth roommate, especially one who was rude to us.
He would even be there alone, without his girlfriend or us present. We weren’t comfortable with any of it. I had continuously tried to arrange a meeting with the four of us (the one girl wanted her boyfriend to be present, which was ridiculous! The meeting was meant for the people who were paying to live there and not some squatter), so we could make a roommate agreement. My roommate and I were available at any time — we were prepared to miss class if we had to — but the other two girls evaded us every single time. After months of trying to arrange this roommate agreement (I tried in October and it actually happened in February), I finally emailed my RA and RC for help. They arranged everything for us and were extremely helpful. I was so mad at myself for not reaching out earlier. Don’t make the same mistake I did — if you try to arrange a meeting and your apartment-mates ignore you, do not wait. Reach out immediately. Otherwise, you may end up like me, living in hell for a whole year.
4. Put yourself first — while being respectful.
This is the most important tip I could give someone. If you’re like me, you tend to put everyone else’s needs and feelings first. Stop. It’s time to put you first. You may not realize it, but by keeping quiet and not saying anything, you are only hurting yourself. I hate hurting someone else’s feelings; I hate confronting people; therefore, I do nothing.
That’s exactly what happened this year — I put my other apartment-mates’ feelings before my own (partially out of me being me and partially out of being intimidated), and I was slowing becoming sick. I ignored all of my feelings, pushed them down and before long, like everything that stays locked inside, I exploded and took it out on myself.
It wasn’t until late February that I realized — in order for me to become mentally, emotionally and physically healthy again, I had to leave school. I went in to meet with my RC, ready to tell him I was going to move out and start commuting when he told me that the toxic apartment-mate was moving out. So I remained in my apartment, and soon after, I began to feel so much better. It’s amazing how much pain and suffering one person (whom you thought was a friend) can put you through. Ultimately, you need to know that it is OK to put your feelings and your needs first. You need to be comfortable and mentally/emotionally healthy; many people don’t realize the toll it takes on them to live in an environment filled with such toxicity and hostility. If you ignore all the other tips, please listen to this one. Once you put your foot down and stand up for your own feelings and needs (remember to do this respectfully. Don’t call someone a “bitch” or disregard their feelings; just make yours known) you will be able to live a much happier, healthier life.
It’s not the easiest thing in the world to live with strangers or even your best friends so keep these tips in mind. Communication and respect should guarantee a happy, stress-free living arrangement. And if they don’t, well, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and for what’s right.
