The battle between the innocent and noble flower-growing people of Fort Thomas and the vicious onslaught of deer has been swelling over the past ten years. I remember sitting in my home, overlooking the woods, when a mother deer dared to infringe on our property and tromp across the yard as if she owned the place. And then, to demonstrate her tenacity, she brought her children into the yard as well. Then they did the unspeakable. They ate our plants and our bird feed.

(The true faces of evil)

Every spring a mother has dared to claim the woods behind our property. She has her two children, just adding to the problem, and stays for as long as she wishes.

The valiant citizens of Fort Thomas never give up though. For a time they even took to the woods to try to 'Help the deer population' by shooting them with bows and arrows. A fearless battalion marched into the woods with the goal of reducing the amount of deer in Fort Thomas because an overabundance of deer could, "Denude forest undergrowth and remove vital food sources on which other animals rely" (City of Fort Thomas, Deer Reports and Ordinances). The people of Fort Thomas have no interest in an invasive species such as the deer.

Only a corrupt species could consciously consider taking over a new region through sheer force, using up all the resources, over populating the area and polluting the environment. That would be absurd and inconsiderate of all the other species currently living in the region.

It would be the equivalent of invading a territory, tearing down half of the forests, making plants inedible and hunting the native species. Hunting them so much in fact that they are crowded into the center of other populations. Populations with technology that could easily kill the native species within seconds. But we can all rest well knowing that humanity would never do that. Especially the people of Fort Thomas.

Our soldiers grew in creativity when they decided to make all the plants in their gardens inedible for the mislead deer. Urinating on gardens, deer resistant plants, chemical repellants, fences and noisemakers were all valid options. They all terrified and poisoned the creatures. Of course, since we are starving the deer, there is a disclaimer on the deer resistant plants: "A hungry deer faced with a shortage of food supply, will eat almost any kind of plant." (City of Fort Thomas, Deer Reports and Ordinances). Those hungry bastards. Eating is only a luxury for our army.

It's almost as if the deer lived here first. They walk around with so much confidence. But that's crazy talk. Only the books talk about a time when animals roamed free and weren't removed from their own land that they had shared for thousands of years. Starving, shooting and removing the deer is the only way that the deserving Fort Thomas citizens can continue to observe their gardens in peace.