Movies are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get. "Forrest Gump" is a chocolate that will surely make you gag.

In actuality, I believe "Forrest Gump" is a fine movie, and I don’t blame anyone for loving it, but this is the internet. There isn’t time for things to just be fine. We live in a culture of hot takes, and since "Forrest Gump" isn’t great, it’s trash. Let me explain why.

When I watch a movie, I allow myself to have some suspended disbelief. There is suspended disbelief and then there is "Forrest Gump."

Does this movie really expect me to believe that this loveable birdbrain became a star running back at Alabama, was a Vietnam war hero, won the medal of honor, met multiple presidents, was the owner of a multimillion-dollar shrimping business, played ping-pong in communist China in front of Mao Zedong himself, and was part of the initial investment into Apple computers?

I almost forgot, he also broke the Watergate scandal and inspired Elvis to shake his hips, if the other things weren't enough for you.

Throughout these experiences the movie never wants to get too serious about them, instead opting to blast classic American rock songs in replacement of good storytelling. I could take a video of myself running around with a squirt gun, play “Fortunate Son” over it, and you would get goosebumps and call it a thrilling depiction of war.

Throwing the believability of Gump’s life aside, it still makes no sense how no one ever seems to recognize Forrest. My guy’s résumé puts the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World to shame, yet when Gump somehow runs across the country for over 3 years, he is described by the news as a simple “gardener from Alabama.”

Homeboy is wearing the hat of his million dollar corporation!

If the news that’s been covering Gump's life for years can’t figure out who he is then why should we expect anyone on the park bench to recognize one of the most influential and important figures in fake American history?

When old boy here says there is no way Forrest is who he says he is it makes me mad the man doesn’t see the hero in front of him. The more I think about it, I understand why this man doubts Forrest. I watched Forrest’s entire story unfold on my screen and thought the same thing the man did, there is no way this fool lucked his way into everything he did.

Maybe I am just being cynical. One could look at the life of Gump and try to be more like him. His character teaches the lesson that by working hard, doing what you are told, and having a screenwriter plug you into every significant American event over a 20-year-period, you can accomplish anything.

From here on out in my life I think I will get bossed around, work hard for causes I don’t know anything about, and hope I can luck my way into millions of dollars. I’ve certainly learned from this movie that if I have real hopes and dreams like Jenny I will end up on crack and die of AIDS.

Speaking of Jenny, is there a worse love interest in movie history? Throughout the story she continues to leave the only man who truly loves her to chase drugs and men with punchable faces, teaches Forest that it's better to run than fight for yourself, and when her terrible life finally goes off the rails she gives in and marries Forrest just so she can pawn off her kid on him.

Jenny is the worst.

Maybe you can ignore all of these issues and say Forrest Gump is still an enjoyable thrill ride through American history, minus the racism they seem to have erased from the community where Forrest grew up. If you still like this movie, I say to you what Momma always said, “stupid is as stupid does.”

P.S. This kid isn’t even his. #HotTakesOnly