What does "former runner" even mean? That's probably what some of you are asking yourselves right now and that's totally understandable. In my mind, it means I still run but I used to be a lot better. For one reason or another, I've dropped off or slacked off where running is concerned and my days of being a tracklete (see what I did there?) are probably gone. That's not to say I can't train enough to get back to that point, but I'm certainly not there right now.

So what IS it like to be a former runner? Well, disappointing for one thing. I constantly find myself performing well enough when it comes to running mundane workouts or being charged with repeat laps or one and two mile runs, however I constantly think back to the "good old days" of running sub six and even sub-five minute miles, much less sub-twelve minute two miles. The only thing I still seem to be able to miraculously run decently at all are 5K's, which I don't run nearly enough of.

Running slowly but surely became such a big part of my life that I wonder at times just how I would ever survive if I lost a foot, much less a leg. There's something so freeing about running that it's almost cliche in a sense- running with the wind against your face and whipping through your hair. It's not necessarily that I enjoy the act of running itself (although I'm probably crazy enough at this point that I do), rather I enjoy the fact that I can run to blow off steam if I'm frustrated or if I've hit a wall on a research project. Plus, for added benefit I have a typical "runner's metabolism" which means if I eat it, I can run it off in no time. Glory be to youth and years spent running vigorously.

However, not all is well in former runner land. I mentioned that above all else it is disappointing, and the main reason for that is because if there's one thing I'm competitive about it's running. Not so much in the spirit that I have to be numero uno, rather I always want to be better than I am and no matter how good I've ever been, it's never felt satisfying. It often gets to the point where I find myself not amused by physical training regimens because they never seem to work me hard enough. The only way for me to guarantee that is literally to run before, after, and later during the day after a PT session or a workout.

And I'm not here to toot my own horn so to speak. Sometimes when I see my much more talented and much more successful running companions absolutely killing their time trials and setting a new personal record each week, it makes me feel like an imposter. Then again, it probably doesn't help that I'm still carrying around my Butler Track string bag three years later, for lack of a better one at the least. It's like a target on my back when I do step onto a track or onto the field- daring me to perform well or face the eternal shame otherwise.

Semi-jokes aside, I'd almost rather be a completely inexperienced runner than a "former" runner. When you're really good or really bad at something, you can either get better or keep practicing. But when you used to be good and now you've set such lofty goals and expectations for yourself, it's had to stay motivated at times and even harder to feel better about your now unsatisfactory personal performance. I love running and sometimes it loves me, but I can't help feeling like a has-been Brett Farve sometimes- knowing I could probably come out of retirement and be decent, but also that I'll never quite be as good as I was.