We've all been hurt before. Whether it be by family, friends, acquaintances, a significant other, or an ex. We've all felt that numb feeling. Your heart physically aching, and your mind racing in a hundred different directions. We go through a process when we are hurt by someone. First, we're shocked typically. Next, we're sad. Finally, we're angry. Now what? Well, now would come forgiveness.
I would say the process is not the same for everyone, but sadness and anger are typical emotions felt when we are hurt by someone. But the final step, forgiveness, is something I've noticed that we seem to struggle with. We wonder why the person who hurts us deserves forgiveness? Some become spiteful and hope to hurt that person as much as they hurt us. I struggled with forgiveness as well. However, when I started embracing forgiveness as a key aspect of my life I noticed a major change in the way I thought and felt.
For me, a major difficulty I had in forgiving others was that I felt that I tried to do right by the people who hurt me. I had a problem wrapping my mind around how you can hurt someone who genuinely cares about you. It helped when I began to open my eyes to the aspects of life that I wasn't seeing outright. Someone told me to think about what the other person may be going through and put myself in their shoes. This helped tremendously. Now keep in mind that attempting to see a situation from someone else's viewpoint DOES NOT excuse their behavior. This just gives you a conscious understanding of everything that a person may be going through at that time.
We all have different factors in our life that affect our mood, actions and ultimately our behavior. Some of us can separate our behavior and thought from external factors better than others but these factors do usually affect us to some degree. So, if someone hurts you take a step back and look at what may be going on in their life. Did they just recently have a family member pass? Are they struggling with depression or anxiety? Did they recently become physically injured? All of these things could put someone under pain and stress.
Putting yourself in their shoes helps for you to build sympathy towards that person which ultimately can help lead to forgiveness. Because even if you did not do the same exact thing to that person, we are all humans and we all make mistakes. The person who hurt you could have genuinely the kindest heart and just cracked under external pressures and made a mistake.
Another thing that really helped me work towards forgiving others was to think about not only how holding hate in my heart for another person would affect them but how it would also affect me.
In a world that's already full of a lot of criticism and hate, I wanted to have positive interactions with those around me. I feel like most of us feel that way. When we meet someone, we want the other person to be happy to be interacting with us because of our positive energy. So for me, I recognized that holding hate for a particular person was affecting my interactions and relationships with others in a negative way. I would snap at my parents in anger because I was upset with someone else or I would not be as social as I typically am in fear of feeling those same emotions that are associated with the hurt I was feeling from someone else.
This was a big reason I pursued forgiveness so actively. I wanted to hold that kind of child-like happiness we talk about so much. That happiness where we haven't quite felt the hurt of the world yet. I feel like pursing forgiveness of others has really positively affected my outlook on life, and my other relationships as well. When I let go of pain from past relationships, I could focus on my current positive relationships. This allowed me to achieve a much happier daily state of mind.
Forgiveness is also a lesson.
When you work towards forgiving others you realize that everything in life happens for a reason. Both the good and the bad. In the case of forgiveness, we can take this hurt and learn from it. We can take it as a learning moment. But, if you are stuck on the hate and the hurt of that particular situation you most likely won't be able to move past and learn from the hurt you have experienced.
When I am talking about forgiveness I think sometimes people feel like that means tonight I better call the person who hurt me and say it's all OK. That's not what I mean usually. Forgiveness is a process. It entails something different for each person, and each particular circumstance. We work each day to forgive those who have hurt us until we are free of the hurt. That does not mean the other person may understand us. People who have hurt me in the past I have verbally forgiven them and others I have internallyforgiven. It's not about how the other person reacts to you offering them forgiveness. It's not about if they change or grow even though hopefully, they do. You cannot change the other person. You cannot control external factors. However, holding love instead of hate in your heart for the person who hurt you will affect them in a positive way and holding hate for them will not.
Forgiving someone also does NOT mean you have to welcome them back into your life with open arms.
If you recognize that you have a toxic relationship with someone and they should not be a part of your life that is OK. You can still forgive someone with your whole heart and remove them from your life. You can wish them the best in life, but you recognize that this relationship is not impacting you positively so you wish to end it. It does not mean you hold hate in your heart for that person, but just that you value both of your personal well-being, and have made the responsible decision to end a toxic relationship.
Forgiveness is a state of mind. It takes conscious work. If you are actively pursuing forgiveness of others your heart and mind will open. I've learned happiness is a state of mind but you have to work to get there.
