C.S. Lewis once said "Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive."
In a dream world, when someone does something wrong to you, they will feel guilt and sorrow for what they did. They will contact you, express their sincerest apology, and do everything they can to fix the mess they made.
When a friend says something bad about you, they will tell you the truth and ask for your forgiveness and they will make sure to set things right again. When someone steals something from you, they will return it and give you extra for the problems they caused you. When a coworker say something that hurts your feelings, they will see their mistake and apologize and do something nice to make you feel better. When someone you love lies to you and leaves you behind, they will wake up one day and realize what they did and do everything in their power to earn your love and trust once more. They will heal the broken relationship and never leave you in grief again.
Unfortunately, this isn't a dream world. This ideal version of forgiveness does not always fit reality. What are we supposed to do when this person doesn't believe they did anything wrong, or just doesn't care?
The last time someone hurt me, the pain cut very deep. Not only was I hurt, I was humiliated and felt like there was something wrong with me. For a long time, and even sometimes still, I felt anger towards this person. Every time I saw them or heard their name, I had some choice words to say about them. When I hear how popular they are or how much fun they are having, I want so badly to tell everyone what they did to hurt me and that they don't deserve to be happy and that they need to be brought down from their selfish pedestal. How can they be happy and have a smile on their face while I can barely make it through the day without shedding a few tears about them? I spent most days speaking ill of them for my own validation and I wanted nothing more than to feel justified in my bitterness by my friends telling me constantly how much of a jerk they are and that it is okay to be feeling the way I am feeling. I'll admit, sometimes it made me feel better to hear my friends talking bad about this person and telling me that I am so much better than them. However, the "good feeling" I found from putting them down was only temporary. It was just a matter of time before I would find myself in the pit again, staying up all night screaming into my pillow drowning in anger.
As much as we wish these people would feel some sort of guilt or sorrow, things don't always happen according to our plan. If we choose not to crave revenge and be bound in bitterness, sometimes we can find that forgiving others for their wrongdoings can help us to forgive ourselves for any guilt or bad feelings they have caused us to have towards ourselves. At some point we have to stop trying to fix the other person and concentrate on fixing ourselves. If we spend all of our time trying to get back at this person, in reality we are only lowering ourselves to their level. If they did something wrong to us and we in turn speak ill about them, are we not wronging them, too? The truth is, the weight of bitterness, anger and revenge is a load we were never meant to carry.
That person may not deserve your forgiveness, but we don't deserve God's forgiveness either. Ephesians 4:31-32 says "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
By not forgiving them, we think we are punishing them and keeping them in guilt and shame. We think by putting them down and talking bad about them that it will make us feel better. The fact is, we are just punishing ourselves by prolonging our own suffering. We are withholding from ourselves our own peace of mind. We are fanning the flame of our own emotional discontentment and suffering, and it will only prolong our pain.
"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."
You see, forgiveness carries with it a sort-of healing that can bring peace to our cluttered minds, it can wipe away the vengeful thoughts, and it can bring an end to the sleepless nights.
Forget about the person you are forgiving and what you are forgiving. Perhaps they left you with words unspoken, and maybe to this day you haven't had a decent conversation. You don't have to show up to their door with a smile on your face and a Hallmark card in your hand saying "I forgive you." You can forgive them without saying a word to them. They may never even know or care that you forgive them. They may never even say they are sorry, and that's okay.
Remember, you aren't doing this for them, but for you.
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart."
By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and you are finding a way to live with it. It does not mean that everything is suddenly okay and you will never be reminded of what happened. It does not mean you have to reconnect with the other person and in the same way it does not mean you will lose your connection with the other person.
However, if you are forgiving the other person in hopes that they would come back into your life and fill the space they left then you are setting yourself up just to be let down again. Trust me, for a while this was all I wanted. I had to realize that my forgiveness will never change them, only God's forgiveness can. If it is His will for this person to come back into my life and for that relationship to be renewed, then I have to trust that it will happen by His doing and not my own.
Therefore, I must not spend my days thinking about the "what-ifs" and how it could have been, but rather how amazing my future will be when I forgive those who hurt me and put my faith and hope in the One who forgave me.
