When was the last time you told someone, "I forgive you?" Yuck. Aren't we in the 21st century already? We usually say, "You're fine." "No problem." "Don't worry about it."

I don't think we talk about forgiveness enough. We skirt the word like an expletive. Even in church, I think the concept can become as archaic and impersonal as the well-worn story of Christ's sacrifice often does.

I've been thinking a lot more about forgiveness in the wake of the horrendous crimes that have been happening in our world, from the ongoing Syrian refugee crisis to the mass shooting in Orlando. Granted, I do think there's a difference between international forgiveness and personal forgiveness, and today I'm thinking more about the latter. Because relations between nations are driven by relationships between people, and change starts with individuals.

So here are a few of my thoughts on the awkward notion of forgiveness. Whether you agree with me or not, let's start thinking and talking about it together.

1. Forgiving isn't forgetting

I think we tend to conflate the two terms. We're afraid that forgiving erases or annuls what has been done or -- even worse -- turns the wrong into something acceptable.

I don't think that's what forgiveness is at all. I believe forgiveness acknowledges the hurt and damage done, which can take time. Forgiveness isn't always immediate or even quick. But ultimately, when we forgive, we let go of the pain, anger and bitterness before it turns us into something ugly. We let go so we can become the better person, and so when we look back on a hurt we may never forget, we hopefully see something beautiful and no longer so broken.

2. You can forgive even when the other side doesn't ask you to

This is ridiculously hard. I think it's easier to consider forgiveness when we're thinking about it as a two-way transaction. The offending party pleads for absolution, and the hurt party graciously decides to forgive them. But what if the person who did wrong never realizes they were wrong? What if they never ask for forgiveness?

This is where it gets deeply personal. Sometimes forgiveness is a one-way affair, a decision to still let go and not hold pain against another even when they refuse to admit they've hurt you. It's the basest, nastiest form of forgiveness, but you are absolutely sure to come out a stronger person. Because you've shown that you don't need that offending party to free you from hurt -- you've risen above it yourself. And no matter where they end up, you know who you are.

3. Sometimes to forgive, you first have to know and understand how it feels to be forgiven

Let's say that most of the time forgiveness is a two-way street. In that case, I think there's nothing sweeter than offering something that you've been offered yourself.

Whenever the dust gets brushed off the story of Jesus on the cross, and the meaning of his sacrifice actually hits me all over again, I'm floored. Me and all my imperfections and bad habits and stubborn self-sufficiency -- God somehow loved enough to forgive every wrong I've ever done and every wrong I'll ever do.

If I've been shown this much grace, who am I to withhold it from others?

You've been forgiven, too, by countless people in your life. Those people have let go of baggage, maybe sacrificed fairness and self-respect, and crossed impassable bridges to show you what reconciliation and a whole lot of freedom look like. Accept it. Digest it. Live in it. And pass it on.

Like I said, I'm not sure how all this translates to forgiveness on a national or global level. But I wonder what would happen if we talked about forgiveness as much as we talk about love these days. I wonder what might change, in us and in our world.