Recently, I have been struggling in interpersonal relationships. Certain events have created feelings of anger and resentment towards friends and family members. In the moment, these acts seem unforgivable. However, we all are guilty of saying things that we eventually regret in a moment of rage. Yes, we can’t go back in time and change what has been said by us or to us, or undo the past, but holding on to anger towards others or yourself only locks you in a cage. You might think that you are hurting the other person by not forgiving them. But is that really true? No! You are only locking yourself in the cage of resentment. Even if you manage to guilt trip the other person, to lock them in a cage involves you standing outside guarding it at all times. That is how anger and resentment holds us and keeps us from freeing ourselves from those feelings and those events.
Instead, what would it look like to forgive someone no matter what they do! I remember hearing relatives of the Charleston church shooting forgive the shooter. I was in shock! How could family members forgive this mass murderer? It has taken me a while to get to this point of being able to let go of those feelings of anger and resentment. To be able to forgive so I'm free from such negativity. I still struggle with forgiveness but this idea of forgiveness freeing the forgiver has change my life in many ways.
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With the hope of helping some of you forgive, I would like to suggest a few steps to help achieve this state of mind:
1. Focus on how the event is making you feel and then decide how would you like to feel about it? Would you want to continue holding on to the negative feeling you are experiencing right now or would you like to either just move on or have mental peace.
2. When you decide on the feeling you would rather like to have, then think about that event or person and say to yourself, "I am no longer going to let you control my emotions, or hold me captive in this cage with you."
3. Once you are able to take back the control over your emotions, you can find the best way to forgive. I enjoy writing a letter of forgiveness. You don't have to give this letter to the person who hurt you. You can just write it for your mental satisfaction and for holding yourself accountable. Do what works for you! I write because that's cathartic for me. Figure out what works for you.
4. Lastly, stop ruminating about the event or what was said or done to you or by you. Just let go. I know it's easier said than done but try it! It feels like a burden off your shoulder if you can truly forgive and let go!
On a less serious note, I would like to leave you with these words, "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde
