Forgiveness is hard to define. In theory, the idea is simple, you simply “forgive” someone or something for something that happened in the past, be it a misunderstanding or an intentional action, but in actuality the concept is much more complex. Forgiveness can be unusually defined as “the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.”
“Forgive me,” has become a standard phase and some of the meaning has been lost in translation. What actions warrant forgiveness, and how does one go about it?
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I think forgiveness is a mindset and process. Deciding to forgive someone is the first step. You may never agree with or like what was done, but maybe you can come to a point where it is okay. I may forgive someone, but how do I know that I have actually completely forgiven them?
If God can forgive us for our many faults, who are we not to forgive someone when they ask for our forgiveness. Motivated by this reflection, I try to keep a clean heart and forgive those who may have wronged me in the past. However, there are certain things that, no matter how much time may pass, still have the potential to upset me when I reflect on or revisit what happened. Does this mean I have not truly forgiven that person, even though I may want to?
Self-forgiveness
While it may be relatively easier to forgive the actions of others, self forgiveness is very difficult. We are our own worst critics, and we hold ourselves to a higher standard. It is important to remember that we are human and we make mistakes. To be human is to err. You are bound to mess up here and there. Accept it with grace, and learn from it. If we want God’s or other people’s forgiveness, we have to start with ourselves. Beating yourself up about things that happened is counterproductive and disturbs mental peace.
Experts have given us two common sayings to fall back on:
1. Forgive and forget
Dwelling on whatever happened isn't going to change anything so it's best to just forgive and go on from there. A sense of relief comes over you when you no longer have ill feelings in your heart. However, the same level of the relationship prior to the incident may no longer be reached and that’s OK too.
At times, I think the term “forgive and forget” means well, but is actually quite naive and that’s when I take up the second method of thinking.
2. Forgive, but don’t forget
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.”
If we keep letting people do the same things over, is that truly forgiveness or just stupidity. Won’t it just hurt us in the end? Remembering how you felt and what happened is crucial in personal growth, and to make sure the same thing doesn’t occur again. At this point you know what you deserve and won’t accept being treated any less.
But then I over think “do I really truly forgive them if I can't forget what they did?” and I’m back to the first one.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to forgive. I like to see the best in everyone and I will give someone the benefit of the doubt every time. But I have to ask myself, at what point is someone not worth your forgiveness? I still don’t know the answer to that one. For now, I have no room for hate in my heart so chances are I will forgive you as soon as you do something that may have hurt me (please avoid doing so). Forgiveness is key — that’s my little secret for happiness!
