There is such a stigma that is created around mental illness. It is like because your sickness isn't physical, it is not considered valid. This causes many people who do struggle with mental illness to hide it and not tell others about it in fear of what they might say. It never truly made sense to me that it is so stigmatized because 18 percent of our population struggles with anxiety. However, since many people will not reach out for help, it is believed that the percent of people with anxiety is closer to about 30. 30 percent of our population has it yet we still shame them because they are not "normal"?
Due to the shame around mental illness, I was not comfortable with talking about my anxiety for a very long time. Many people, even my family, would tell me that I needed to learn to control it and that it was all in my head. I love my family dearly but obviously my anxiety was something they didn't understand. There isn't a switch in my head, I can't just turn it off. Obviously this is all in my head, hence why it is called a mental illness. I can't control my anxiety even though I have been dealing with it for so long because it is very difficult for me to do. I admit that I cannot do it on my own. Anxiety effects me in every day life. There are things others can do without even thinking meanwhile I overthink just about everything. I decided to write this article because I think people need to be educated about anxiety, not from the media or from a book. I believe that in order in believe anxiety is real and that I am valid, they need to hear the struggle I go through daily.
Many people who know me know that I tend to be outgoing. Since I was young, I have been singing, dancing, and acting. It has always been what I love to do. It's a really sick joke to me to have anxiety but to love these things. The night before an audition, I can't sleep. I worry about if they are going to like me, I worry if I'll hit every note or line the way that is intended. The week following up to a show, I'll stay up every night, almost all night going over my lines or my songs to be sure I don't make a fool of myself in front of strangers or even worse, people I know. I can't eat because I will get even more sick than I already am. My legs feel like Jell-o and my hands are very shaky. My heart, oh god my heart, it feels like it is going to come right out of my chest and there is nothing I can do to stop it. This might sound like a case of stage fright but I promise you it is totally different.
It is a necessity to have a driver's license. Obviously at 18, almost 19, you should be driving. Well not I. I have my permit, but taking that test didn't involve getting behind the wheel. I took my permit test about a year and a half ago, but still do not have a license. Driving is one of the scariest things I go through. I have only driven a car twice. My second driving experience gave me so much anxiety that now when I try driving I feel paralyzed as soon as I go to put the car in drive. I want to drive so badly, I want to have a car just like all of my friends. I don't want to spend my whole life depending on others to do what I want. I just can't control my anxiety while in the car. My heart races and usually, I begin to cry. I am deathly afraid of crashing the car or not driving correctly. I am working on getting the courage to drive but it feels like I'm never going to be able to.
Usually, many people get to places about 10 minutes before they should. Some people get to places right on time. Other people get places late. Me, on the other hand, I get to places probably a little too early. I tend to do this a lot when it comes to class. I live on my college campus, so I shouldn't worry about making it to class on time because it is not a very big campus. However, I have to sit in the back of the class so that means I have to get to the class first. I go to class about 20 minutes early every day because I can't chance being in the front of the class. I feel like everyone will stare at me or I will block someone's view. The back of the class is my safe zone. If I was ever running late to class, I probably wouldn't go because I can't stand walking into class and being stared at while I frantically look for a place to sit. Also, while in class I tend not to share too much. I worry that I will be wrong while answering a question and everyone will know I was wrong. Or when I am confident in my answer, I still rarely raise my hand because I don't want everyone's eyes on me.
I go through these things and so much more. I have anxiety when calling someone I don't know, ordering food in a restaurant, and asking for directions. I worry that people won't like my body so I hide it to save myself from being the topic of conversation. Even when writing my articles I get anxiety, worrying if my editor and audience will like them. I constantly have to worry about hiding my attacks and also apologizing for them if someone happens to see. Anxiety consumes me and it is in my everyday life. Sometimes I get anxiety and I don't even know the cause of it. It is one of the hardest things to deal with, it is one of my toughest battles in life. There are people who do not have it as bad as me and there are people who are much worse than me.
As I said, it took me a long time to want to share this with people because I didn't feel like anyone would understand. Once I educated myself, I realized that mental illness does not discriminate. Mental illness does not mean you have to look "crazy". Mental illness does not choose only women or only white people, many people fall victim to it. I am one of the many faces of anxiety. I do not feel so alone anymore but I still feel the stigma that comes along with mental illness. I hope that the people who decide to read this article will either feel comfort knowing that they are not alone or if they do not struggle, that they will decide to reach out to those who have a mental illness to work together to end the stigma.
