To me,
I have written and rewritten so many different versions of this article. Changing aspects of it so I don’t seem whiny, weak, or wailing for attention. That’s not the case at all. It’s the fact that I sit in this too brightly lit laundry room, late at night, contemplating why I don’t love the person I am when everything is right.
It’s the fact that I have been given this life to live and I still doubt my own worth.
I’m putting this out there, not looking for sympathy, but showing that even the best lives on social media can have issues. That even when my life is near perfect, things can still be off. That it's alright to admit the pain and confusion. That even when I feel at my lowest, I can still rise.
When I wake up, I live in a world of grey. The colors faded and blurred unlike how they used to be. I am a robot on the days I don’t love myself. Going through the motions of society and never questioning a thing. The mirror is my worst nightmare. I see the reflection of who I used to be, an empty shell of someone who had the world all figured out. Flowers bloomed from my soul, and the sun kissed my skin. Life was good.
So when did I allow myself to forget everything?
I'm writing this to myself and others in hopes that when I look back, the sun will kiss my skin, the colors will return, and the value of my worth will be at the levels it should be.
Cause, I don’t love how my body looks. I don’t love how my laugh is just a cracking noise. I don’t love how clingy I am. I don’t love the fact that I can’t hold back tears during nighttime sometimes. I don’t love the fact that I failed my first college exam ever. I don’t love the feeling of not loving myself.
I don’t always love me. But, I need to always love me.
Cause, I need to love the fact that I am lucky enough to have this body that keeps me healthy. I need to love the fact that I have times in my life where my belly hurts from laughing so hard. I need to love the fact that I have people who I can cling to who love me back equally. I need to love the fact that I can express healthy emotions and have empathy for life around me. I need love the fact that when I get knocked down, I still can stand up stronger than before.
I need to love the feeling of loving myself.
I don’t care if I have to read this every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. I have the biggest blessings in my life that deserve to be recognized. I have the right to acknowledge how far I have come in this world, how much love surrounds me, and how I can reciprocate it.
I just simply have to love myself first.
So when you’re doubting the way you look, the way you act, or the way you think. Stop. Unless its hurting the world. Never doubt who you are as a person. Each breath you take should inhale the energy life around has to offer.
You are a piece of the puzzle that makes up the world. No, we don’t know the final picture of this puzzle. But we do know the importance of each piece. That missing one alone can offset everything. You are needed, loved, and cared for. I promise that even on the days when the color is dull, it’s there.
The life in this world will never fade away from you, and you can’t fade away from it either. Accept the fact that life has everything to offer.
Love yourself, because no one can do it better than you.
Sincerely,
Myself
