Whether it’s physical abuse or emotional abuse, leaving an abusive relationship is arduous. Not going back to your abuser, now that’s almost impossible.
I know because I just went through it. And you will never understand how hard it is to leave someone until you've been in an abusive relationship. If you know someone who has problems with their boyfriend 24/7, and you constantly hear about all of the crappy things he does to her, and you're always asking her, "Why don't you just leave?"
She responds with a weak defense, a lackluster justification for his actions. She is unequivocally in an abusive relationship.
My last relationship was emotionally and verbally abusive. However, my boyfriend was the one who broke up with me. We still talked like normal and I cut him out of my life several times before it finally stuck. I couldn’t quit him for a while, even though he broke up with me and it was clear that he was in fact emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and only wanted me around for his convenience.
He was a boomerang I kept throwing.
And he never failed in coming back, still while refusing to commit, refusing to treat me with respect, and refusing to make any changes or accommodations to make the relationship work. Yet, each time he came back, I let him. I answered him, heard his apologies, and before I knew it we were talking again.
There were back in the romance phase, and each time it felt like my heart was finally beating again like I was finally happy again. Only this was short lived because I would realize his actions never matched his words. Eventually, like each time before, I became fed up with his bullshit. I would call him out on his dishonesty, and I would become the scapegoat for his inability to treat me how I deserved to be treated.
Yet again, I would throw him in the wind and wait for him to circle back again.
The emotional loop of an abusive relationship almost becomes addictive. It’s like hard drugs. You know how bad they are for you but you become fixed on the rush they give, the high they make you feel. The high you get from hard drugs is like the feeling of being in an abusive relationship. Each time he came back, his words and promises filled me with happiness.
I felt on top of the world.
The thing is, like drugs, the high doesn't last forever. Relationship abuse and drug abuse are one in the same. You feel euphoric in the peak of the high, but the comedown has you feeling lower than ever before. So, you go back to them, you let them back into your life, just like a drug addict or an alcoholic. You start to do whatever it takes to get that feeling back. You jump through hoops, you keep making accommodations, but here’s the thing you need to stop.
Just like any drug addiction, the longer you continue to use, the worse you will feel when you finally stop.
If you’ve ever had too much to drink, I’m sure you’re familiar with the hangover the next morning. Usually, the more you drink, and the longer you drink, the worse the hangover.
Now imagine what it’s like to be a full-blown alcoholic for an extended period of time. When an alcoholic detoxes, they go through withdrawal. And although I’ve never experienced it, I know for a fact just how painful alcohol withdrawal is. Alcohol withdrawal makes a hangover look like rainbows and sunshine.
This same is true in an abusive relationship. The longer you stay, the worse it is going to be when you finally break contact. The longer you stay, the more time he has to socially isolate you, to chip away at your self-esteem, to control you, manipulate you, and ultimately push you to the point where you’re not just losing them when you break contact. You are losing everything. Because just like drug addicts the drug becomes their life. In an abusive relationship, the abuser becomes your life.
Just like addicts, people who are stuck in abusive relationships lose more than they think.
They often don’t even realize they are losing all the things the loved, people they were close to, hobbies they enjoyed, sports they played until it's over.
The abuser does this on purpose. It’s a tactic to keep you around to get you hooked on them like drugs. In an abusive relationship, your world becomes your abuser, and they know exactly how to manipulate you to make that happen. So it is very, very hard to leave.
When you finally do you feel like a nobody, you feel like you have no one and nothing to keep you going, the withdrawal sets in.
And it hurts like hell.
As someone who has finally broken free from an abusive relationship, I can tell you it how painful it was each time he left, and the times I left after that. The last time I left was the hardest. I felt like I had lost every friend I had, every positive quality I possessed, I felt like nothing and no one. But I promise you it gets so much better.
Each day you go without hearing from him, you gain yourself back, piece by piece.
You reconnect with friends, start doing the things you once loved to spend your time on, you get a job, and do better in school. All because you got rid of your abuser who was sucking up all your valuable time that should have been spending on yourself.
It’s been a month since I’ve gone had contact with my ex and my happiness and self-esteem has risen considerably. If you feel trapped in an abusive relationship the only advice I have for you is Leave him!! And trust me you will look back on it and laugh at what you once thought was “too good for you.”
