Softball season is upon us and for the first time in 4 years I will not be manning centerfield or leading off for Charleston Southern. For the first time in 17 years I don’t get to put on a jersey and take the field. For the first time since I could remember, I’m not playing softball. It’s a weird feeling. Is it gut wrenching, heartbreaking, or satisfying? Can it be all of the above?

Some days are better than others. Some days it doesn't even cross my mind. Other days, I'll see something and it'll hit me right in the feels. Some days I'll look back and think, dang like I really did that. Other days I thank God I'm not doing that anymore because I'll remember the toll it took on my body. But for the first time in 17 years I have to look behind on my softball career instead of forward to a new season.

For the first time since probably 5^th or 6^th grade, I didn’t spend the winter months preparing for season. It was weird. It made me realize how much time I actually dedicated to the sport. And to be honest, it surprised me. I mean don't get me wrong,I knew it was a lot but I didn't know exactly how much. When you’re actually in the moment, doing it everyday, and it becomes a routine, you don’t realize how time consuming it actually is. It just is a part of you. For the first winter in 12 years I wasn't going to see my speed coach, taking batting practice with my dad, going to open turf time to throw and field, or getting lessons. Not to mention all the driving involved. I still don't even know how I did all that because I literally do 2 things these days and already need a nap.

For the first time in 4 years, I don't get to put on a jersey or pick out matching bows. I don't get to travel all over the country. I don't get to step between the lines and forget everything else going on around me. I don't get to compete alongside some of the fiercest girls you will every meet. For the first time in 17 years, I am not playing softball.

I would do absolutely anything to play another game. Some of the happiest and most rewarding moments in life have been on a field. For the first time in 17 years, I am not an athlete. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Softball season is here and for the first time, I have to watch it from the bleachers. I have nothing but love for the game and will do everything in my power to give back to it. Playing softball was the most fulfilling and special parts of my life. It will always be a part of me and I am forever grateful for my time on the field.

For those of you still playing, never take a second for granted. Soon it'll be your time to hang up the cleats. So go out there, work your tail off, treasure every minute, and make sure you leave your mark. Leave everything on the field and have no regrets. That's the only thing that has helped me cope with softball withdrawals; knowing I gave everything I had to the game. You won't believe people when they say it goes by fast, but when it's your turn, trust me you'll believe it.