There's an old saying that says "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" I never understood that saying until the start of 2017. I previously wrote an article about a guy that I've been in love with for a long time . We were best friends all through high school and knew we were in love with each other. Eventually, we started dating and it was the best six months of my life. Within those six months you ended up hurting me beyond belief. I'm not going to go on a rant about the past because I did write about it all in "This Because Of You." Of course I came back and of course it wasn't the perfect timing.

Anyway, so I waited for you for nine months and when you came back to me I was so happy and I couldn't believe it. I prayed everyday for God to keep you safe and that if we were meant to be together to have you come back to me. I prayed to hate you because I knew I could never hate you on my own. I prayed for you more than I prayed for myself or anything else. When you eventually came back to me, this time it was a big deal, because you had proposed to me. Along with your tears, you promised me that you wouldn't go back to what made you change your mind the first time. You said you wanted me and that you only loved me and that you know you messed up but that I was what you wanted and you knew you could only prove that to me by proposing to me and making my last name match yours. You acted like you wanted me and that I was everything you needed, until one night when you ran back and hung out with the problem that forced us to separate ways last time.

For you, it was always "come back and I'll quit" but that was never really the case to you. Through our engagement I had been threatened, mentally tore down, and emotionally unstable because I never knew what I could say to you. You didn't know how to step up and be a man and protect me, but I still trusted you with everything in me. I had picked out my wedding dressed, asked girls to be my bridesmaids and my maid of honor. I did a lot for our wedding in just the first month. We already had the revenue reserved and told everyone where it was going to be. We picked our colors and the date and bragged anytime someone asked. Everyone thought we were truly happy, and for the first three weeks, we were. Through our first month and last month of engagement, you gave me a little glance of Heaven, but deep down it was my little part of hell.

I guess again this was my mistake but I will not let myself take all of the blame again. It's not healthy for me and this time I will move on. I will forget about you. You wanted everything else and everything you got is easy, especially the one that is behind all of this. One day I will be loved the way I am supposed to be, because even though you still tell me to this day that you love me, I can never believe it now. Now I just want to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of forever. Thank you for preparing me to be a great fiance so I can be an even better wife for the one who actually deserves me. Thank you for what you put me through again just so I know that I don't really need you.

I want to end this by saying I'm sorry now. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry you gave up the person that would've gave you the world for someone that is just a good time. I'm sorry we wasted so much time on each other throughout the years. If I would've known then what I know now, maybe things would be different, but I didn't and they aren't. I'm sorry if you thought I was going to make you stop everything you were doing, because I wasn't going to make you do that. I'm sorry that you were scared and that I couldn't prove to you that everything will be okay. I'll always love you. You are always going to have a very special place in my heart. It took me almost a month to stop fighting and trying for you, but I knew it was time to hang it up. I guess we just had different versions of forever and different meanings of love. I promised to text you and let you know that I love you and that you can do whatever you put your mind to and that you matter; because you meant the world to somebody, even if I didn't mean the world to you. Maybe we are meant to be together and maybe we aren't, but if we are we will find our way back to each other; we always do. Honestly, God knows I hope we aren’t now. You were the best mistake I ever made and it sucks that I keep getting dragged back into it. Just know I'm still here though and I always will be. I do want to say thank you for letting me find my happy. I now love myself and because of that I have found the right people that I truly need around, because of that I am happier. Thank you for at least helping me get to a place I never thought I’d reach, this has now brought me to somebody who picks me every time. He craves me and wants me around, he doesn’t just want my attention, he wants all of me and that’s what I deserve and need. If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve never known that either. Thank you for opening my eyes and giving me an adventure. I know that somewhere deep down I’ll miss you, but as for right now, I hope I never think of you again.

-Your Should Have Been Wife