It's that time of year again. As finals are ending, and we all start packing our bags to go home to our family and friends this holiday season, there's so much anticipation in the air. Some of us are excited to go on whatever amazing vacation destinations our parents have planned, some just finally want to get a good eight hours of sleep after so many all-nighters this month, and if you're anything like my family, there's only one thing you've been texting about in your family group chat: the food you're looking forward to eating.
The food. Ah. Everyone's soft spot. Every year, it's usually my house that volunteers to host Christmas dinner for our family and friends. Of course, my mom goes through the typical routine of preparing the dinner menu in advance, and as my eyes scan the list of my favorite Filipino dishes and desserts, I can't help but think that any other person would feel his or her heart thump faster in excitement. But for some reason, mine just thumps faster in anxiety.
Every December, I look in the mirror and I worry. I worry about if I've gained weight that past year, how can I miraculously shed 10 pounds in 25 days, and the worst thought of all: What will my family and friends think when they see me? I know they would never vocalize their opinions, but the thought that they may be secretly shocked about how different I look continues to consume me. Besides, we all know contour can only do so much for a person. How could I let another year slip by where I didn't accomplish my weight loss resolutions? I continually beat myself up for these things over and over again, and it makes me feel so emotionally exhausted sometimes. It makes me so ashamed to think that I'm stuck worrying about superficial things rather than focusing on important things like being more grateful for even having food on the table, and being blessed with family and friends to spend the holidays with.
If you've ever felt like me, and have been carrying this burden with you, I feel you. I can't promise that these feelings will go away overnight, or that they'll really go away at all. At Christmas dinner, you stop yourself from eating that extra brownie and continually wish you didn't have to. That freaking giant tin of chocolates from Costco taunts you every day. It's an endless spiral, and I've always asked myself why I can't escape these holiday insecurities. Not even around the holidays, but just in general. Through the years, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I can't escape holiday insecurities because of myself. Maybe it's because I project such a critical mindset of myself.
Because guess what? Aunt Aida still loves and accepts you anyway. In your parents' eyes, you're still beautiful even if you don't feel like you are. Your friends will always be there to hype you up. Who you are on the outside does not define your value, your worth. Instead of looking in the mirror and focusing on these insecurities, look at everyone else who you get to spend this wonderful time of year with-with people who love you. Look past the mirror, and love yourself too-not just during the holidays, but every day.
