The past year or so, I have really been struggling with a lot of regrets and feeling ashamed of where I am at this point in my life (I know I sound crazy because I just turned 20). Everyone seems to think that I have it all together and tells me how proud of me they are even though I feel like I haven't done anything special. I am still in junior college, I am still taking my basics, I feel like I have let God down in so many ways, I've ruined relationships, I wish I would've gone and played softball or volleyball in college, the list goes on and on and on. I look at other people who are the same age or maybe a little younger and they're farther along than I am. I get super motivated about something and then lose it starting at square one again which I will add, I have finally decided on my major that I'm 99% sure I'm going to actually stick with. They seem to have it all together and I'm just a complete mess still in junior college trying to make rent every month. I know, harsh. Hear me out.

Things Change:

I can remember as a little girl always telling my parents and friends that I was going to play softball for The Texas Longhorns, and then becoming a coach. I could see my dad sitting in the stands at all my games wearing a Longhorn shirt(Sorry Aggies) with my name and number on the back with the biggest grin on his face. I could see my mom and all 5 of my siblings doing the same but being super loud and obnoxious because growing up, we were the Brady Bunch of our time. Everyone had high hopes for me and I got super excited every time I thought about it. I thought that that was the life for me and I was so set on it and it seemed so easy to get there at the time. Being 10, of course, everything seemed like it was a piece of cake. I mean, doesn't everything turn out the way we planned it? Absolutely.....not. And now that I'm 20, I can say things definitely did not turn out the way I thought they would because of mistakes that I wish I could take back. But I can't. It's something I know that I'm not alone on either. We all make mistakes and bad choices every single day because we're human and it's going to happen. I wish I could go back in time and re-do a lot of things but obviously that's not possible.

Words Hurt:

Something that's always stuck with me is in high school, people underestimated me. One girl in particular told me right before graduation that she knew what was going to happen to me: that I would go to college but was never going to finish and then I would just get married and have kids. That was a huge deal to me because one, no one in my family has graduated college and two, she was pretty much saying that I didn't have it in me to finish. I wasn't an idiot in high school and was a pretty good student for the most part. But I let people walk all over me. I was known as the "people pleaser" or "Super Sweet Abby." Another man I call my grandpa of Jarrell (my hometown) also said that I would get married within the next two years and probably wouldn't finish college. I love that man and he's one of my biggest role models but I think a lot of the reason he would say that is so I'd do the exact opposite (smart guy because I'm still not married and better yet, not even in a relationship). Not that I'm against getting married young but I just know that there's so much to do before settling down. I want people to think highly of me and go "Wow, she really did do something amazing with her life." So now when I finish college and pursue my career, people will think twice about underestimating me. I know it's easy to believe what others think about you but everyone who's in the same position, just know, you can be anything you want to be. Don't let people put you down. Don't make up excuses on why you can't do something, find a way! It's easy to put others down and something we're all guilty of. Just realize that words really hurt and sticks whether the other person will admit it or not. It's been 2 in a half years and I still remember what was said. When the day comes that I do graduate, that'll be the day that I don't shove it in everyone's face that underestimated me, but I'll be thanking them because that is what motivated me even more and helped me push through the days I wanted to give up.

Learning On Your Own:

I'm starting to realize that the mistakes and decisions we make all have meaning behind them. Without them, we can't learn or grow. There have been times that I've made ridiculous decisions but I have met some great people out of it and learned something new about myself. No, I'm not saying my bad choices led me to bad people. I'm saying through the process of the bad choice, there have been people who have helped me out of whatever situation I was in. I've made last minute decisions resulting in sometimes a really awesome experience but a furious mom and dad...It's kind of a good with the bad kind of thing (which I don't advise others to do). But at the same time, I'm a firm believer that you have to learn things on your own to realize the consequences making you not want to do it again. Your parents or whoever can tell you all day long not to do something but you know most of the time, it goes through one ear and out the other. My point is It all connects at some point leading us to where we're supposed to be. So throughout these good and bad adventures we take, we find a new passion along the way. Maybe I will still become a coach one day but for now,I have to let go of what happened in the past and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Difference Between Making A Mistake And Making a Choice:

There is a distinct difference between mistakes and choices we make. Mistakes are unintentional and choices are clear decisions. You can make a decision and end up with a mistake but you can't say that you "unintentionally" make a bad choice. You're probably a little confused on where I'm going with this, so let me explain. I made a clear choice to go to college. I also made the choice between putting my time more into social distractions rather than studying. That was not a mistake, but a choice. I mean it is now because I realize that I could be so much farther along that I am now and at a University, but it was my decision to flunk out. (A really expensive one at that). There were people investing in my future through my education but I threw that out the window by making decisions in that moment that I thought was more important than studying and reinvesting in my own future. An example of a mistake I've made is I took a class that I thought would go towards my major but come to find out, it was a class I didn't need, meaning money wasted and an unintentional mistake. I could name several but I think you get the picture. Because of my poor choices, I had to take out my first set of loans, ruined a wonderful opportunity and now I'm not getting any kind of financial help at this point. It's easy to stay in your daily routines and habits, but when you realize that it's getting you nowhere, it's time to change. With that being said, the tragedy in life is that when you fall, you don't learn from your decisions or mistakes. So, pick yourself up, wipe the dust off, look ahead, become a better version of you, and learn from your past and look to your future.

It's Up To You:

I can't change or fix what's happened the past few years. But what I can do is work harder than I've ever worked before and stop caring what others are doing or what they've accomplished. I can be proud of them and use it as motivation. This is my life and the outcome is completely up to me. Nothing comes easy, especially in today's world. If you're in the same position as me, just know that it's all going to be okay and what you did in the past doesn't matter. When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself it's a new day meaning yesterday is gone. You can't start a new beginning, but you can make a better future for yourself by letting go of what's been done and realizing the rest is up to you.

Something my Papa Hage tells me:

"Stop trying to make everyone proud, being you makes us all proud. Do what you love, work hard, and as long as you are making yourself happy and doing the best you can, that's all that matters."

Side Note:

Never stop trying to be a better version of you. Chase the person you want to be in ten years. Then once you get there, chase the person you want to be ten years from that point. Never stop chasing the future you because truth is, the future you is who you are right now.

P.S.

Those of you who don't know me probably think I've done some pretty bad things. I haven't killed anyone or been in jail (lol), I just let boys get in the way of school and let a few great opportunities slip by. Girls, please don't let a guy be your number one focus. Guys, same for you. Especially if you're in college. If he/she wants all your attention and wants you to give up studying for a test or doing homework, they're not right for you. I can't tell you who to be with but I can tell you from experience, it doesn't end well! Be with someone who helps you study or motivates you to do the best you can. Not just in school, but in every aspect of life. Or you can do what I'm doing and not worry about boys at the moment. When you start focusing on you, you draw the right person. Be somebody. Don't just be somebody's.