Years ago a friend of mine asked me if I would be the same person if I wasn't a Christian. I was a young teenager and in my naivety I said I would be and then they asked me: why did it matter then. I didn't have an answer.

Now as Christmas is approaching and I'm following the Advent calendar and anticipate Jesus's coming into the world, I'm really reflecting on why Jesus is the difference. As with most things these thoughts came up because I was reading.

I've been reading Luvvie Ajayi's hilarious collection of essays, I'm Judging You, full of side-eye Ajayi talks about all the things she's judging the world for including: plastic surgery, social media, friendship, very public relationships, and even heavier topics such as rape culture and what I'm going to focus on today, Christianity.

You see I've been loving her opinions and no-holding-back judgments (I can admit I'm quite capable of serving some side eye as well), but when I read her chapter on Christianity I couldn't resonate. I do agree that Christianity and organized religion in general has been used as a tool for empowering patriarchal view points, exploiting the vulnerable, and continuing injustices, everything Jesus is against. Some of the Church wholeheartedly deserves some side eye, but what I couldn't get behind was her personal feelings about her faith.

She writes, "If the goal of believing in a higher power is to show us that we are all connected, we are all here for a reason, and we are all part of something greater than us, then why do we use our holy books to justify hate?" (142) Because for me that is not what Christianity offers me. If that's what it was about I can just join a good community organization like the Girl Scouts or help out at a homeless shelter.

For me the difference is a personal intimate relationship with Jesus. Yes, we are connected. Yes, Jesus came for the whole world. Yes, loving my neighbor and doing right by them is important. But what Christianity has that compels me and draws me in is a love that says to me, "I love you, Juanita, I want you to be all that you can be. I sacrificed my life so that you might have the chance of living an abundant life on earth right here right now."

God didn't want to just leave me in my sin and brokenness. He didn't just want me to live a good life in which I didn't spread hate. He wants to heal me. He wants me to not judge and give out so much side eye to others, but more to myself. He wants me to live a life that is full of joy, hope, and peace. He loves me, I have no doubts of that for how He has spoken to me, loved me, and embraced me throughout my life.

You might be thinking, well that's all fine and good, but that's for you, and on one hand yeah it's for me, but because of that I want it to also be for you. Ajayi further writes, "Christians have sent missionaries to indigenous societies to convert them because, again, their Jesus and their God are the only ones they think are valid." Not only is that actually the last thing that Jesus asked his disciples to do before He left this earth, but it's how we respond when we've had authentic connection with Jesus. We can't help but share him.

I'm a low key person, but all my friends know I love Jesus. All my friends know that I'm praying for them. At one point or another I've had a conversation with friends about Jesus and who he is to me. Think about a friend you love dearly and you want to spend tons of time with them and you're always talking about this awesome friend to your other friends and wanting them to meet this friend because they're the absolute best. That's how I feel about Jesus, he loves me so deeply and intimately and has shaped my life and heart in ways I still am overwhelmed by, how can I not want to share that love with everyone I meet?

Perhaps as Ajayi insists we just need to leave each other alone to be good people, "Religion is supposed to be a users guide to good living, but good people don't need a Good Book to know they shouldn't be intergalactic imbeciles." Damnit though, we really do. Just look at this world are we really that good, maybe most of us aren't evil, but truly good?

Jesus has done a radical change in me, I don't even want to think about the life I'd be living without Jesus. Jesus shows me year after year and sometimes day by day how ugly I can be and that following His example is the way to true abundant life.

Because here's the thing a lot of times when we talk about being a good person what we mean is we're not going to be jerks to other people. Think about it. Lets say someone calls you a jerk, a good person response is to not call them a jerk back. A Christian response is to forgive them (which doesn't mean you have to be friends or trust them, but does mean you don't hold it against them anymore), pray for them, and refer to them only in kind terms. It means when my students are unkind to me, I don't retaliate instead I pray for them and I find ways to let them know they are loved and that I hold nothing against them. That's hard.

Being a Christian demands much from us because we are terrible at being good people. Sure we can muster some self control and not retaliate (most of the time), but true goodness always demands action. It's not enough to not be bad, but often we must do the very thing we have no desire or inclination to do. Everyday I see how Jesus is working these things out in my own heart, and though it pains me at times I am so grateful that Jesus loves me enough to not leave me in my selfish petty ways. He calls me kind, worthy, loving, patient, forgiving, and through His great love those words He calls me become my truth.

I do think that Jesus offers something no other religion does. I do think that the greatest thing we can have in this life is a love relationship with Jesus. As Advent comes to a close and I rejoice that Jesus was born I am thankful for the hope, joy, love, and peace he offered to the world, and still does today. I am thankful that I know Him and can share him with others because Jesus has made all the difference for me.