I identify heartbreak as another life lesson learned. I can understand why some people identify it as a mistake. Some individuals I have spoken to lately, identified their heartbreaks as mistake after mistake: It was a mistake to be with her and what a mistake I made by giving him another chance. A mistake, to me, is affiliated with regret, and I do not regret any of the relationships I have been in. Whether those relationships are intimate or friendships, I do not regret anyone who has walked into my life, and walked out of my life.
Coping with a heartbreak is hard, to say the least. It is uncomfortable, raw, and incredibly difficult to overcome without breaking down and overthinking, what did I do wrong?! I have learned so much about myself through the relationship and post-relationship, that I could never regret it. Regretting it would mean that I do not like the person I am today, and I am proud of the person I have become. My mentor always explained to me that life experience and wisdom is gained by mistakes that are made. But, that does not mean that I will not avoid making mistakes, if I can help it. I handle some mistakes differently than others -- I look for patterns.
In the words of Lil Wayne, I've been through hell and back, I can show you vouchers.
The scars I have earned, are scars from loving too much, and caring too much. Unfortunately, I love hard and deep -- it is hard for me to let people in, but once I do you are in for life. In for life, unless, you lie to me. You cheat on me. Or, you disrespect me in any way, shape, or form. Even then, my love for you transforms -- I cannot just stop loving someone. I cannot push them completely out of my life unless they have done something really detrimental to me. Here's the kicker: I am very outspoken, very honest and blunt about almost everything. I am not a sensitive person who takes everything to heart -- I do not get offended very easily. If I have an issue with something, you will hear about it. Another flaw of mine, besides loving so deeply, and being brutally honest, is I give people chances, a lot of chances. I know what its like to make mistakes and have set backs, hey, we are human after all, but when you repeat the same mistakes, especially after (as a couple) we have addressed them, it is perceived to be a deliberate attack.
For example: with one ex, he body shamed a female in front of me. Having been an overweight girl at one point in my life, and still identifying as fat girl today, I took it personally. I body shamed myself, never mind other children doing it to me. I approached the situation as calmly as possible. I addressed it as mature adults do, and made sure he understood that it really hurt my feelings. Feelings are bound to be hurt in relationships, we are human, but if he continued to do so I would take that as a direct attack. Are you doing this sh*t on purpose?!! Do you not respect my feelings?!! Are you purposefully hurting my feelings?!!
With all that I have been through, life is too short, as they say. I would not want anyone I care about ever feeling unloved or unwanted in any way, shape or form. I recognized the type of men I was dating, and I saw myself falling into this pattern. I have also recognized that it was me always having to walk away from the relationship -- whether I felt suffocated, not loved or wanted, or even pretty enough. I have to admit, I was searching for my worth in these men. And, then, it hit me. And then, I understood what people meant when they said if you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.
Heartbreak after heartbreak, it was after the most recent that I realized I did not know my worth. Post-relationship, my self worth was solidified. I am a chief, I deserve the best, I will no longer settle for less, nor will I ever second guess myself. No more well, at least he did not raise his voice at me or, At least he did not abuse me. I allowed people to step all over me, to control me and I believed the nasty things they would say to me. But, now things have changed. I recognized my worth because of those scenarios and no one can take that away from me. Actions speak louder than words, in fact, actions say a lot more to me than words can ever say. I recognized that I am so much more observant now than I was before, and I can recognize red flags before and squash the pursuit instantly. The best part is that I am not bitter about any of the relationships I have been in. I actually thank my exes for making me faster, better, and stronger.
