There is a difference between seeing a future with someone as next weekend and as fifty years from now. It is the same thing as saying whether or not you enjoy someone's company now, versus you want that person's company forever. Do you really love someone, or is it just infatuation? When you have strong feelings for something, you treat it differently. You shelter it. You hold onto it with every ounce of strength you have. You allow yourself to become vulnerable to it without fearing it being used against you. You don't expose it to the elements or classify it as replaceable or common. You don't wish to harm it in any way, let alone try to. It may only seem valuable or special to you, but that's because you have made it so. It isn't disposable. It's something on the complete opposite side of the spectrum; it's love.
I am not saying, as a sophomore in college, that I can tell you what love is exactly or that you should be worried about finding that somebody right now. However, being in a long term relationship and living in the world with a higher divorce rate than growing old together, I have found that without these five promises being clear to you, your relationship is not the real deal.
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1. "I will love you for better"
You should be able to love someone during the highs of your relationship, and of your life. These are times with little to no fighting, job promotions, children, exciting new adventures, anything that builds your happiness as a couple and as an individual. You should be able to enjoy your partners successes without feeling inferior or jealous. Jealousy is just a synonym for immaturity.
On the flip side, your partner should embrace your successes. You should never feel like you could do better because you're at a high point in your life, that just isn't someone you're in love with. The right person will make you feel like you want to live forever, with them by your side, in all the highs of your relationship and your life. More importantly, you should be able to maintain these same feelings as your relationship shifts to other stages from time to time.
2. "I will love you for worse"
This may be one of the hardest challenges you will face. The thing is, the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you see their flaws and nasty habits. That's just how relationships work. It is why marriages can fail, why friends you thought would be friends forever cease to be so, why children get abandoned, and so on. You think you love someone until you see how they behave when they're stressed and tired when you see how they act when they're out of money or food, or until you see them make a mistake. Real love is so much different than that. Love is choosing to stand by someone even when times are tough and the relationship seems unrepairable. Love is patient and kind and deliberate. Love is sacrifice and pain. Relationships are hard.
But love is seeing the negatives and the baggage in another human and resisting every impulse to jump ship. I'm not saying that you can't change your mind about someone you love. However, I think if, down the road, you find out the person you loved isn't what you thought, then you never really loved the individual, you just loved the perception of them. So yes, there will be hard times filled with fighting and anger and sadness, but if you can promise to weather the storm with this individual, then chances are you have a pretty good shot. Because great relationship isn't great because they never have known struggle.
They're great because both people make a promise to care enough about the other person to find a way to get through anything. You should promise that you will only argue with each other when you think the other deserves better for themselves. When you think the other can do better and be better, when you think the other is not giving themselves the credit they're worthy of, or if they're becoming someone you know they're not. Because you want them to see themselves the way you see them; to love themselves the way you love them, and to be the person you know they can be.
3. "I will love you for richer or for poorer"
It is so easy for people to see money as something that will instantly bring happiness and stability to a relationship and a life. I can understand stability, but can money be fully attributed to a relationships happiness or even an individuals? After all, money can only go so far.
A fire can destroy expensive kitchen gear, high-end furniture, name brand clothes, and priceless jewelry, but what it can’t take away from you is the life you share with another person. You should never let your happiness depend on something you can loose. Happiness should depend on relationships and people and love because I can guarantee you that no 6 karat ring is going to provide as much comfort as a loved one could when it's your time to go. So make sure you can promise someone that despite wealth you won't let money go to your heads. You should promise to never fill your heart with greed or envy. Those two things will destroy a relationship.You should promise to be wealthy in laughter, in joy, and experiences.
Most importantly, you must be positive that even if every penny were to disappear you would still love that person and be happy with them.
4. "I will love you in sickness and in health"
Promising to love someone in health is so much more than just be healthy together enjoying a glass of orange juice. It's promising to make sure that both of you don't allow the other to sit back and destroy themselves.
You should be the motivation for each other to want to stay healthy and follow doctors orders. You should push each other to treat yourselves and your bodies with respect and care. And be the helping hand when your significant other doesn't see the point anymore. You should promise each other that you will battle the voices in each others heads that whisper you can't, and remind each other that, yes, actually, you can. Because accidents, illnesses, and unfortunate circumstances do happen, and you must be willing to stand by someone when they do. You should be able to promise that you will be willing to take care of that person forever. Whether it’s making chicken soup and tea, taking a trip to the doctor, or holding their hand by the hospital bedside, if life has handed you that set of cards, you will be strong for them. And you should know that they would do the same for you.
5. "I will love you until death do us part."
You should be willing to promise that you would do your very best to make sure that you both can keep this love growing and strong until the creases of your time together make their way onto your skin. You should be able to promise that you are willing to act as a crutch if they're having trouble walking, or finish their sentences if they're having trouble talking, repeat what you said 100 and 1 times if they're having trouble hearing, and be the light in the dark if they're having trouble seeing. And you should allow that person to do the same and know that they would.
Love isn't easy, especially the really true and good kind. It is hard to handle and even harder to find. From time to time, it gets tested and torn and questioned. But it perseveres. That's what love does. If you can't make these promises to the person you're seeing or are contemplating seeing, you're wasting your time. Love does develop and grow, but it isn't just something you search for, it's something you just know. Don't take yourself off the market by trying to convince yourself that you could make these promises to someone you are unsure about. Following that advice can be difficult when you're at an age of so many uncertainties, however doing so has allowed me to figure out what these promises really mean. So, maybe I'm young and I know nothing about love, but maybe I'm taken and know everything.
