Losing someone is hard. When someone we love dies everyone we have ever known rallies around us while we grieve the loss of that person. What if they haven’t died, though? Death isn’t the only channel in which we lose people, but it’s one of the only times people let us openly express our grief.

You’ve put your all into this relationship, countless sleepless nights wondering how and if you could fix what had gone wrong. You nearly drowned in the ocean of tears that fell from your eyes when there were no words left to say.

You still can’t eat at the restaurant you went on your first date because you’ll see the little table that holds the memories of your relationship in its infancy. You can’t listen to the songs you used to sing in the passenger seat of his truck because you know your voice will crack under the pressure of everything you’ve tried to forget.

You want to forgive him, sure. Forgiveness is the key to moving forward with your life, because as long as you hold anger toward him he holds a piece of you. The question that lingers in my mind is “can you ever truly forgive if you can’t forget?”

You can’t truly let go until you’re ready and that timeline is different for everyone, but I do know that there are five stages to grieving the loss of someone.

A Swiss psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first introduced the five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. She wanted to understand grief and how people deal with it after her work with terminally ill patients.

Denial:

It’s human nature to want to deny that something is happening. “He can’t be leaving, he told me he loved me and would never leave me.” It’s a defense mechanism we use to protect ourselves from the truth of what’s going on around us. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them.

Anger:

There’s a point when you’ll stop denying the pain and start to feel it, that’s when anger rears its ugly head. It’s perfectly okay to be pissed off, to scream and cry. Your pain is making you angry and you want someone to blame. CRY IT OUT! Do not let anyone tell you how to express your feelings, it’s okay to cry.

Bargaining:

This is when you’ll be willing to do anything to make the relationship work, even if that means hurting yourself in the process. You look for any possible way to make things work, which could include negotiation or even threats. It’s important to remember that this is happening for a reason and the pain will stop, don’t ever compromise yourself for a relationship.

Depression:

This is probably the worst part because your mind finally realizes it’s all over, and it’s hell. You’re tired and sad all the time; you can’t force yourself to do the things that once made you happy. You avoid friends and family because the pain of trying to explain what happened is excruciating, and you’re just too tired. You either have to force yourself to eat or you’re overeating to help the numb the pain. Your sleep schedule is either nonexistent or you sleep all the time trying to get away from the mind-numbing pain you’re harboring inside.

The pain is real and you feel like you’ll never survive it, but you will. Everyone is different and handles pain differently, but trying to regain your mental health as quickly as possible will help in the long run. Talk to your friends and family, they love you and want to help you. Go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air, let the sun kiss your face.

Acceptance:

Take a deep breath and realize that you’re nearing the end of the hurt you’ve been holding for so long. Now you’re beginning to accept what has happened and you’re dealing with the loss you’ve just been through. Sure you’re not jumping for joy yet, but you’re getting there. You can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, follow that light. Be sure to remember not to take trips down memory lane, don’t look at pictures of the two of you together, don’t listen to the songs he used to sing to you, and avoid places you went to together.

To those of you reading this, I hope you find clarity and happiness. You are going to find the person who completes your life but remember, you are complete all on your own.