Finals week is rapidly approaching, and all across campus, there's a haunting feeling settling around the campus like a fog. Grief. Overwhelming grief. So in order to help students across the campus and across the country deal with their grief, here are the five stages of grief: finals style.
Stage One: Denial
In the first stage, there is a very deceiving sense that there is more time to study for your upcoming finals. That feeling is all a lie. However, symptoms of this first stage may include thoughts such as:
"There's still plenty of time to study for finals. They're like two weeks away."
"The test isn't even going to be that hard."
"I hear everyone gets an A in this class."
"I'm sure my C- will go up after the final."
This stage is the beginning of the end, but it's not too late at this point. You can still save yourself.
Stage Two: Anger
Stage two is a dangerous stage, not just for the student, but also for everyone around them. There will be an unfocused but intense aggression towards everyone and everything that gets in their way. Symptoms for this stage may include, but are not limited to, thoughts such as:
"Who needs college anyway?"
"These classes are all useless!"
"My professor hates me so he's failing me."
"I swear my TA is just mad because I'm smarter than him."
"College is dumb; I'm dropping out."
If you or anyone you know is in stage two, do your best to steer clear. The third stage is just around the corner.
Stage Three: Bargaining
Stage three reaches a never-before-seen level of desperation. There will be praying, to pretty much anyone at this point — professors included. Symptomatic thoughts of this stage might include:
"Maybe if I go to office hours I can sweet talk my TA into maybe bumping up some points... I mean, my essay may not have been mind-blowing but I don't think it was D material."
"Are you there, God? I know we haven't talked in a while but I could really use some help for my O-Chem test tomorrow. If you just give me a C, I swear I'll never procrastinate again."
If you've reached stage three, you're at a point of extreme desperation, and it may be too late for you.
Stage Four: Depression
Stage four is where crying and extreme sadness enter the equation. Homework is too hard? Time to cry. Dropped a Cheeto on your shirt? Time to cry. Someone smiled at you? Time to cry. Puppies? Guess what time it is? Symptomatic thoughts for this stage includes:
"My life is over."
"I'm going to be swept away in a river of my tears."
"Thank goodness I laminated my notes so the ink doesn't smear from my tears."
"I'm a failure. I'm never going to have a job."
"Just leave me here to die."
If you've reached this stage, it's probably too late. What time is it?
Stage Five: Acceptance
Finally, the last and most dangerous of the stages — acceptance. You've accepted your imminent destruction, and, for some reason, you're OK with it. Symptomatic thoughts for this stage will include:
"You know, this is fine. It's all OK."
"I've always wanted to work at McDonald's, and I don't think my parents would mind if I lived on their couch for a couple of years."
"I don't need college, because life is good."
"Yes, yes, I've always wanted to repeat this class."
This stage, my dear friend, is the end. You have reached the end of the cycle, and it is much too late to save you.
While you're preparing for your finals next week, just keep this in mind and maybe you won't succumb to the five stages of grief, finals style. So just remember, get some sleep, take care of yourself and, you know, I'm sure there's still plenty of time to study.
