For as long as I can remember I have preferred to hang out with friends one-one-one or in a small group then head out to a massive party or get-together. After spending hours in the company of others, particularly in the midst of a large crowd, I will become emotionally and mentally exhausted and require some alone time to recharge. Sometimes just a little, but in other instances a lot of time spent doing quiet productive work like writing emails, reading books, baking, collaging, writing, or, alternatively, just vegging in front of the TV. This doesn’t mean I don’t love people, or dislike spirited discussion, or even that I’m a consistently quiet person. It just means that I’m an introvert. And I have a few confessions to make to those who might be more on the extroverted side of things or are just confused as to how introverts work.
1. I’m not angry, sad or in any kind of distress. I’m just being quiet.
No, no, no I promise it’s not you. Frankly, I just had a long meeting and afterwards coffee with a friend before coming to meet up with you and, as much I am truly enjoying your company, my social interaction energy is fast draining away. I’m probably just thinking or daydreaming about something, or maybe even wondering where I put my favorite pair of pajamas for when I get home and start binge watching Netflix. But no, friend, for the fifth time, nothing is wrong. I promise given a little quiet time and a good night’s sleep I’ll be back to my normal talkative self tomorrow. For now, forgive me for my quietness and remember, I’m still listening.
2. “Shy” and “reserved” mean different things.
I am not shy. Once more for people at the back, I am not shy! I am, however, reserved. In our society, shyness is often seen as a reaction to fear, as though a person might desire to speak more but is held back, perhaps by a fear of looking foolish or saying the wrong thing. To many, shyness implies intimidation, anxiety and an inherent lack of confidence. To be reserved, however, is to simply choose your words and time to speak carefully. For instance, in a large group, I may not chime in very often, giving the appearance of shyness, when in fact I am simply listening to what is going on around me, gathering information and contextual clues, and waiting for a time when I have something genuinely worth saying to contribute to the conversation. If I don’t have anything that I particularly want to say or that I think will contribute positively to the discussion, I won’t speak just to hear myself talk, but will keep my thoughts in my head, sorting through them and making connections in my head until I am addressed directly or until such time as I have something I want to say that I have deemed as important.
3. Being introverted does not mean I am unfriendly or rude.
Contrary to what some think, it is perfectly feasible for an introvert to be friendly, open mind and eager to engage others in a dialogue. I love talking to people, particularly in a one on one setting, and I will often be the first to start a conversation in such an environment. I also love meeting new people and enjoy making genuine connections. No, I’m not terribly interested in small talk or banal conversation, but having a deep discussion or even just a genuinely interesting one about our interests, our dreams, or plans will always appeal to me. For different kinds of introverts there can be different levels of comfort with making conversation with new people or going up to near strangers, but overall, being introverted does not automatically imply that you are uncomfortable with either of these things.
4. I'm not trying to shut you out.
Remember this when I just need a break, when I need to go sit by myself and get some work done or just meditate and take a deep breath. Remember this when I’m exhausted after a long day of talking to people and making small talk (something that takes more energy from me than most people realize) and just want to have a hot bath and crawl into bed. Remember this when I’m quiet, when I seem “spacey” or when I’m just too out of it to want to have a conversation. I’m not trying to shut you out, I’m just out of energy. I still care about you, I still think you’re great and I’d love to have a conversation with you or hang out. Just not right now. Right now, I need a minute, and I hope with every fiber of my being that all my friends and loved ones understand that.
5. I will extremely rarely be mad at you for canceling plans.
This one may very well be specific to me, but given my busy work and social schedule, getting a call from an apologetic friend that they aren’t able to get coffee or see that movie with me very rarely leaves me feeling anything other than a brief moment of disappointment followed by a certain small amount of relief. As much as I love my wonderful friends and being social, being alone has never bothered me, and being my little introverted self, cuddled up in blankets, reading a nice long book and drinking some tea with my cat cuddled by my side is usually an acceptable alternative to most casual social events. So don’t worry too much about canceling our plans. I’ll miss talking to you and sharing our connection, but I’ll also enjoy the alone time, I guarantee it!
It takes all types to make a world, and introverts are just one such type of person that the world needs to learn how to truly embrace. Remember the next time your introverted friend needs an evening off from your usual weekend plans, or your introverted girlfriend is too tired to go to the movies that night, that they’re not shutting you out or turning into a hermit. They just need some time to recharge, and once they do, they’ll be just as animated, happy and ready for social interaction as any extrovert, even if it’s just in their own quiet way.
