Remember six months ago when I said the lost the best thing that happened to me? My grandma was the world to me and this thanksgiving will be the first one without her and I'm not even sure if I want to participate in the holidays this year especially because she isn't here. I know it sounds really cliché and sappy that I say that I'll turn into an unsociable hermit just because she isn't there to support me and be there for the holidays but it's the truth. She made it worth it to even come to family dinners because it was always at her house. But this time it's at my aunt's house. And this time I'm away at college. Everything is different, I should just take this as a sign that I can't participate.

I didn't think that things were going to be different with her being gone especially since she didn't live in the same state as me but the effects are hitting me so hard. But instead being away from home in a different city away from my parents is making this whole situation harder for me to cope with and I feel so alone. I can't turn to my parents for emotional support because I don't see them constantly anymore. I can't dump my problems on anyone because everyone has problems of their own and me telling them my problems is not fair to them. It seems like I am just utilizing them for their willingness to listen and support me.

I guess if I have to go to Cleveland for Thanksgiving, I have to go in with an open mind and even though she won't be there I can still try and be happy with the rest of my family and maybe her spirit will watch over me and be right there by my side. I'm not going to lie, it still hasn't really hit me that she passed away and that her funeral was a bit ago as well. I think the fact that she has lived away from me, my brain is just used to her not being so involved physically in my life rather than just calling her often just to check in and make sure that life is being good to me.

Life is going to hit me so hard in the next few days because of the anticipation of going to her house and her not being there, better yet seeing the "for sale" sign up in their front yard. Now that my grandpa wants to sell the childhood home, I grew up in that house and now that it's up for sale it hurts my heart because all the memories from that house will be with someone else and the new memories that they will be making with their kids and grandkids. The whole thought of it breaks my mind and rips my heart into pieces, and it's not like I can even buy the house just to preserve it, because I really don't have the money for that especially at the moment. Nor can I tell my grandpa to take it off from the market because that house makes him upset because she isn't there anymore. I guess I can never win.