Well, I'm not really sure I did it right. I mean I definitely changed, developed, and all that other introspective emotional stuff- but now that finals are coming to a close, I am wondering if I did enough (which I've found is a collective feeling- even if your definition of right differs from that of a friend). The fact is I don't know if I partied enough to be considered a fun person, participated enough to be considered smart without being an overachiever, or if I've connected with people who might actually stick around past the first semester and become the ultimate squad.
And honestly- so what? This semester, I have legitimately learned things about myself that I understand why being aware but not concerned with what people think about you actually makes sense. For the first time in my life, I have not had to wait to do what I want.
"You're too/not XYZ to do that or not yet ready to do something because ABC" has plagued me for the longest time. I used to stop myself from joining organizations, teams, going to events- you name it. And the phrase is true if you believe in it. It's also true if you don't. Call it faith in the self or whatever you please, this semester has forced me to realize the first person that should believe in what you can do is you. A student tutor this semester told me I was too structured in my writing to publish interesting creative content, and at the time I didn't really have a response because I thought he was right. I am structured in my writing (he wasn't wrong about that), but then my poem ended up in the literary magazine. I think some part of me knew I could, but nevertheless, it proved to me that we are probably the only thing standing in our way.
As a student, I was given constant advice about which classes to take. I followed most of the advice I was given by professors, contemporaries, and family members because I thought they knew better than I did the best way for me to be happy in getting what I wanted. Shortly after, I learned what it meant to be overextended. I dropped a class because like many freshmen who want to make a good impression, I had tried to follow everyone's advice at once. It ended up causing an almost unstoppable panic, and that's when I figured out that being happy because you are getting what you want is easier when you find a way to get there by yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm still taking into account the advice I'm being given- it's just that I'm filtering it, and starting to recognize the bias that applies to the people I seek council from. Also, you have to watch out for the lethargic state that comes with studying. You can be the most careful person, and it will still happen to you. I plan to go into next semester knowing that I have to get over that hump and being more ready for it.
As an artist, I thought the way I went into creating things was the only way for me to create. I needed a specific atmosphere to write things, study lines, etc. until everything started getting in the way. I learned that I had to and could write on the train, study lines on the bus, order food in character for the sake of finishing everything in time. My commitments to trying out everything I was interested in forced me to be adaptable, and it opened my mind to the idea that there is no one way. There's a route you know, maybe one preferred by the people around you, but the point is any new idea can be worth trying. I learned a really strange theater technique that I have never heard of this semester, that really called me to pay attention to things about how I address the stage. It was honestly kind a blow to the ego, but it was so worth it. I have never been so open to incorporating new ideas into the way I do now, and I am so humbled when people share how they study and work.
Finally, I have learned that organization pays off (within reason) because backup plans for backup plans for backup plans are also a form of procrastination. There are things more important than school like your health, and connecting to the people you like and love. That I know is corny- but it is the holiday season (so bear with me). Most importantly, I have picked up on the fact that there are things you cannot plan for until they happen. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing depends on your outlook, but being able to confront your feelings about something is key. One unexpected thing should not shake the foundation of your being. One thing canceled on the calendar is not the end of the world. Speaking to what bothers you stops it from bothering you, and gives you more time to be happy and do what you want to do.
With all that in mind, I plan to go into next semester more accepting than I have been trying to be. I plan to stay involved on campus and find more of what makes me happy. Most of all, I want to narrow at least a little the direction I'm leaning in concerning my future. I've found having interests (even loads of them in short bursts) is not bad, but it is true that you can't be interested in everything the same way. At least, not when you really dedicate yourself and try it.
That being said, I want to wish you the happiest holiday and urge you to reflect on your own semesters. I'm kind of excited for spring to start already, but first- our desperately needed and hopefully wonderful winter break.
