It’s so easy to lose yourself while growing up. I’m constantly playing a tug-of-war with myself on which path I should take in life, what action should come next, where will all my choices lead me and how my choices will create the person I want to be.
Who do I want to be? What do I want to do?
It becomes even more difficult when you’re in a relationship and everything that was “I” and “me” becomes “us” and “we.” I love my boyfriend—there’s no doubt in my mind that I love him, but there’s also no doubt in my mind that my own relationship has become my biggest restraint.
Will I be able to pursue my own goals while still maintaining my relationship? Am I “allowed” to pursue those goals and my own life aside from the life that I want with my partner?
It’s those moments where I begin to doubt that I can accomplish both tasks—the task of living my own life as my own person, and living my life with my partner—and I begin to settle. I’ve realized that over time I began to settle with what’s comfortable for my partner and I, rather than venturing out of that comfort and exploring outside of my relationship to form my own being.
It’s typical to lose yourself in a relationship; when you become so accustomed to being with that one person and so accustomed to “we,” you get confused by the thought of just “I.” Once you begin to realize that you’re losing yourself, what do you do? You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place and begin to wonder if you can maintain aspects of both yourself and your relationship while still being your own person.
The truth is that you can do both. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. When you realize that you’re beginning to lose yourself, take a step back; take some time to question what you want to do. What makes you happy while you’re on your own? What do you want from your future?
If you can’t figure it out, it’s OK to take some time apart. There’s no need to break up, but you can still take a “break.” Giving yourself and your partner some time apart is healthy—it allows both of you to think about yourselves, rather than constantly thinking about the other. However, don’t go on a break without setting a date to come back together. Give yourselves a few weeks, anything from a week to three, then come back together, go on a date and figure out your next steps from there.
There are some instances where you’ll both realize that maybe being together right now won’t help either of you accomplish your own goals, and that’s OK. We’re young, and things like this happen.
There are also some instances where you both can come together, find a way to still pursue your own goals and support each other to reach those goals.
Relationships aren’t easy, and quite frankly, they never will be. Relationships are all about compromise and communication, but remember that your relationship with your partner isn’t the only important relationship that needs to be properly maintained—it’s important to maintain a relationship with yourself as well. It’s natural for all of us to lose our way at some point. What matters is how you choose to get back on track, accomplish whatever goals you want and walk down whatever path you wish to take. At the end of the day, it’s your happiness that matters.
