I was staying with a friend of mine. I didn't have my kids, my husband, but I had a new puppy, Louie. Do you know what else I had? I had freedom for the first time in 5 years.
My husband and I had just separated for the second time in 2 months. The first time, was because of him. The second time, was because of me.
We had gotten into a huge argument, and I left. I couldn't do it anymore. We were at the breaking point that some marriages go through. Could we get through it? I wasn't sure. But, I wasn't going to tolerate the process of finding out.
In the interest of my children, it was best to keep them with him, as we didn't want to take them away from their own home. I just needed time to think for myself; to find who I am.
It took time, but eventually I moved back in, with an idea of who I wanted to be, and a plan on how to get there.
The fact is, that during this process, we both made mistakes. We both said terrible and hurtful things, we both fell out of love, we both had concerns, and neither of us verbalized them in a helpful manner. During all of this, along with my severe depression, I was no longer the person I was before. I wasn't happy. In order to save my marriage, I needed to figure out a way to find who I was, who I am and who I wanted to be.
Would I ever be the same? No. Too much damage had been done, not just in my marriage, but outside of it as well. However, I could find a way to be happy.
Here I am, 1 year later, and I am almost there. This transformation was not instant. It took a lot of patience from those around me, but it was so worth. So, what did I do?
1. I found a hobby that makes me happy. I love going to the gym. I love everything about it. The fact that it makes me feel better about myself, I lose weight (which was a big problem for me before and affected me greatly), and there's no better feeling than taking stress out on some gym equipment. I went to a gym that has daycare, so I could take the kids there to have some fun, and I did it by myself. Something for me.
2. Do things for yourself. This was the hardest part for me, as I would always do everything for my children. Don't get me wrong, it is okay to do things for your children. However, my problem became all of my clothes had holes in them. I had no jeans that fit, few real T-shirts, my hair hadn't been done in forever, my eyebrows were a mess, and I hadn't had a pedicure in over a year. These are all things that used to be important to me. So, what did I do? I went clothes shopping for myself; I bought things that I liked. I went and got my nails and toes done, and got my eyebrows done. After this, I went and got massage as well. All of these things helped me. You may not be into those things, but if you've noticed you stopped doing things you love, then get back to it. If your thing is knitting, then knit. If it's painting, writing, photography, whatever it is: DO IT. Do it for YOU! You deserve it!
3. Communicate with your spouse. The hardest part about marriage, for me, is communicating feelings. I am NOT good at verbalizing how I feel, or what I'm thinking. If people ask me to express these things, I usually yell and then leave. I later realized why I'm like that, and I am now working on it. However, communicating with my husband was a big step for me. Honestly, we both needed to work on it. So, we agreed to give it a shot. It was a huge deal for us. If you have a spouse who doesn't listen, communicate how you feel about that. Communicate everything. Having a bad day? Tell them. Don't feel like talking about it yet? Tell them. Mad at them? Tell them. Anxiety bad today? Tell them. The only way to change something is to communicate that it needs to be changed.
4. Make time every day for yourself. Every day, I take at least 1 hour for myself. What you do during that time is your choice. I like to read, drink some coffee, and listen to some music. I put the kids to bed, sit down, enjoy the peace and quiet, then make my coffee, turn on my music and read a book. Usually Harry Potter. Do something for you. Trust me, you need this time to unwind.
5. Make friends who have the same goals as you do. This was so very important in my life. I don't have a lot of friends, because I don't trust people. The friends I did have were mostly single and had no children. Of course, their priorities are different. Let me start out by saying that there is nothing wrong with being friends with single individuals. I still have friends that are single. However, you should also have friends with children and spouses, if that's your current living situation. For me, having people with a family helped me, because they understood things more. It was easier to talk to them about family things, and kid things, so I got more out, and it helped me.
6. If you need help, get help. Seeing a therapist was the best thing that ever happened to me. It helped me realize a lot, and it helped me get a lot of my feelings out. It's easier to hear you're wrong from a neutral party who can also tell you what to do to make it better.
Basically, take care of yourself. The only way you can take care of others, is to take care of yourself first. Make sure you are okay. Once you focus on yourself, as well as others, you'll see things become easier. It's a slow process, but once you get started, you'll start seeing the changes.
