That day my mother's face was drained as if all the color was just being taken out. I knew something was wrong right away. I got into the car and the first thing that she said was "I have to tell you something." Her voice was strained and nothing seemed in place. I knew I had to brace myself for what was about to come out. Right at that moment the world slowed down on its axis.
All I heard was "Dean's gone."
My friend who I had since elementary school and who had always been there. This person in my life was suddenly ripped out of my world and no longer was tangibly available. It felt like if I were to move everything would become real. My mind couldn't completely process what was just said. The only words that could come out of my mouth were "No, this isn't real!" I started having flashbacks of all the memories I'd had with Dean. From when we were 6 to 15 years old. A cold splash fell onto my lap and I hadn't realized I had been letting out tears. When I finally looked up we were already home. As I got out of the car I fell into a warm embrace.
In between sobs an "Everything will be fine" was heard. I began to ask my mom all kinds of questions like "How did it happen?" or "When did it happen?" I came to learn that he had committed suicide the night before. I didn't know how to feel when I finally learned what happened.
After that I fell into a rabbit hole of depression. I felt like I could never get out of the state that I was in. I was in oblivion and nobody could rescue me. So many thoughts and feelings would just come rushing at me like a punch in the gut. I couldn't comprehend what was happening to me in that time of my life. My mom started to make sure to spend as much time with me as she could. The doctor had even recommended getting me a therapist to talk to.
A few months passed and I began looking for ways to get out of this trance that I was in. The first step to climbing out of the rabbit hole that I had fallen into was auditioning for theatre. I was determined to keep myself occupied for most of my time. As I started to focus more on school and theatre everything began to fall back into place. I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
This tragedy lead me to another path I am beyond grateful to be on now. Dean's death showed me that many kids in high school and even college are going through the same thing. It inspired me to become a pediatrician and to pursue a career where I know I'll be helping others. Backtracking to when I was advised to find a therapist, I don't believe that I would have found my passion if it weren't for that one piece of advice. Being able to have someone tell you to look for help makes you look at things from a different perspective, and I want everyone to be able to realize this.
When I first hit rock bottom I never thought I'd get back up. I've learned that "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay it's not the end." John Lennon.
