God's plan hasn't always matched up with my plan, and at 21 years old, I've had more than my fair share of life experiences.
I have had highs and lows, days filled with anger and days full of joy. There have been times that I have looked at my life and seen only ruin and destruction and pain and I have felt an overwhelming surge of anger. How could a God that claimed to love me so much allow my life to fall apart like this? How could he truly care about me THAT much if He let me feel this kind of pain?
But there have also been times that I have looked at my life and seen effervescent joy. I see the faces of the ones I love, and think of the lives I have made an impact on by simply being myself. In those moments, I don't regret one day of my struggles.
No, I do not ever want my life to hit rock bottom again. I hope that I never live another day in the type of pain that is paralyzing and all consuming, but if I do, I will make the most of it.
People often ask me, how have I overcome x, y, and z in my life? I wish there was a simple answer, a fix all solution that I could give you to overcome any problem at any time--no matter how big or small. But there isn't. The only thing that has gotten me through the last several years has been one simple belief: "a slip is not a fall unless you fail to get back up." More times than I care to admit, I've slipped and started to fall. Started to give up, but every single time, I have told myself to get back up and just keep going.
I often remind myself that there have been many times in my life that I have been sure I could not make it. That I thought surely the amount of pain I was in would kill me, and yet, here I am.
I want to look back on my life one day and appreciate my pain. Yes, some of it has been senseless, and awful, and just downright unfair. There are times that I scream into the sky or sob into my pillow and just want to give up. Fighting is hard. Continuing to live is harder than most people will admit when you face loss of any kind, but it is something that has to be done. For me there was no other choice. There is no other choice.
I look at my life now and I am happy. I have gotten to a place that I am proud to be. It was hard to get here, and sometimes it's hard to stay here, but it's worth every second of the time I spend here. It may be cheesy, but I love the person I am because I fought like hell to become her.
Today, I got more bad news about my Traumatic Brain Injury recovery. So yes, I will admit that I am angry. Once again, God's plan does not line up with my plan and I'm tired of being the person that's always "sick". I want to be healthy and strong and "normal" (whatever that means).
In the meantime, I will wake up every morning and count my blessings. I have an incredible support system through the Y, amazing friends, a loving family, talented doctors, an amazing treatment team, and understanding professors. I know that whatever trials I face ahead will be hard, but I also know that they will be lessons learned and experiences gained, and for that, I am thankful.
Look at the ugly in your life, and find a way to make yourself thankful. It's okay to be angry, life is unfair, but at the end of the day, at least you still have a life to live and endless opportunities to make the best of it. Each day is a new opportunity to be a better person than you were yesterday, and that is a beautiful thing.
Circumstances are only what you make of them, so when you can't change your outcome, change your outlook. You'll be surprised to find that peace is a matter of perspective.
