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Yes, I Constantly Mess Up And Hurt The Ones I Love The Most

I am not perfect but that is no excuse anymore.

Tayla Pepin

Sep 05, 2018

Kennesaw State University

493

Yes, I Constantly Mess Up And Hurt The Ones I Love The Most

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Over the past years, since Fall of 2013, I've been trying to find my purpose in life.

I know that is such a cliche thing to say, but it is true. I was going to a community college at the time, in a relationship, balancing my friends and my boyfriend at the same time, and trying just to make it by. I was in that relationship for roughly a year and a half, and I was not genuinely myself. I wore clothes that I knew my boyfriend would like on me but I did not like on myself, I was acting a certain way and etc. I was a completely different person.

We will have another article coming soon about this. Nothing against my ex! That was all on me!

Two of the reasons why I broke up with my former boyfriend is because I didn't know who I was and I didn't love myself anymore and I lost who I originally was in that relationship. I was trying to find my true authentic self after that relationship.

After I was fresh out of the relationship, single again, I was somewhat searching for "me". I dressed how I wanted to dress, I acted how I wanted to act, I listened to the kind of music I wanted to listen to, and so forth. While trying to "find myself" I was going out like a typical college student, started to reconnect with my close friends from high school and making new ones, and was starting to love myself again.

Years passed, and here we are in the present somewhat. Let's just say I have not been a great friend lately to multiple friends. I even consider these people my best friends. I am a very observant person when it comes to others, but not when it comes to myself. From time to time I do not recognize my actions or words until they are said and done or if someone points them out to me. I am not conscious of that my actions and my words are hurtful.

Yes, I am still working on that. I have expressed myself to the ones that I have hurt and most have forgiven me or say they forgive me and are still pained by my actions or words.

I cannot express enough how remorseful I am. I abhor myself every day knowing that I wounded the ones that I love the most in this world. Yes, I have changed and I keep evolving and adapting for the better, but sometimes I mislay myself. I am not perfect I mean no one is but that does not excuse my hideous actions. But I am learning to surpass my behavior and to be a friend that everyone needs.

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Yes, I Constantly Mess Up And Hurt The Ones I Love The Most

I am not perfect but that is no excuse anymore.

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The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

But you can't have a crush, that's outrageous. It's all in your head.

Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

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3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

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8. You're happy you're still in school.

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