Subtle changes from childhood over an extended period of time have left me as the quiet one in the room. I have had trouble connecting with people if it is a matter of having to project myself to a group of, let’s say more than five people, sometimes it doesn’t matter how many more or less.

I’ve always gone back and forth between identifying myself as shy, it didn’t feel right. Or maybe just quiet, promising myself that my urges to talk to new people, go out, hangout, and be the bubbly center of attention would be fulfilled because I certainly wasn’t shy, just waiting for my chance. I lost a lot of confidence at some point during puberty; something I later read happens to a decent percentage of girls. Larger and changing classes in middle school and high school challenged me and I lost the battle with being someone that could adapt, adjust, and hold myself up straight no matter who was in the room with me.

I wanted the people in my classes and the people in my social circles to know that even when my voice shook that my answers could be correct, even when I stumbled on my words that my argument and retort could still be valid, even though my hands visibly shake I could still show my talent. But eventually this was something I knew; I came into my own academically and felt confident in discussion of subjects I excelled at, particularly French. To this day I feel not just okay with speaking and presenting in French but particularly comfortable for it became a mask of excellence that I could wear without worries or anxieties. The social situations were still the more vexing tasks.

I think what I want to people who are with me in a social environment to know is that they are not doing me a favor by pointing out the times that I am quiet, observing is an important step for me when it comes down to finding my niche and comfort level in socializing. When I am forced to do so, I will. This inevitable situation has in the past, had both negative and positive results; the factors that determine this are so wide and various. The takeaway here is that the times I am outgoing, social, and engaging shouldn’t be shocking, I am more than capable of achieving these bubbly moments and displaying these characteristics. And the times that I am silent, pensive, and wary aren’t solely for the reasons of shyness, anxiety, and incapability. This is just another function of my observant and complicated self, one that I am aspiring to discover a balance for.

My confidence in these components of life is always in need of work, I don’t want to compromise myself in life moments that ask for poise and boldness. But quiet is not weakness, and reticence is not fear.