“Who am I?” is a question I ask myself everyday. Over and over the question bounces around in my head. I look in the mirror and hear it again, “Who are you?” The truth is, I still do not know. At school they tell you that you will find yourself in your years there, but the only thing I have found is that I feel suffocated in these white brick walls. Every first day of school I am asked to stand up in front of my peers and tell them who I am. I spew generic nonsense because how can I know what I do not know?
I long to know who I am, I search for it every day. Searching deep in my soul I look for something, some answer. I catch glimpses, but like a flash in the reflection of a window, it is quickly gone. I am tired of feeling like I just exist. There are times that I think I have found myself, or been close to it. I have felt it in me. The anger and protest when someone told me who I was, who I should be and who I could not be.
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The closest I have ever been to answering this question was on my trip to Puerto Rico during spring break in March. On that island for five days, I was free, I was adventurous, I felt completely cleansed of my worries and fears. It was just me and the beautiful world before me. For five whole days, I thought I figured out who I was. On the flight home though I became crestfallen as I realized I was mistaken. I am not adventurous and I am certainly not free from my worries or fears.
On the soccer field I feel close again too, but it always slips from my grasp. For ninety minutes though, I can feel powerful, alive, unstoppable. Determined, I am a warrior. Once the whistle blows and the game is over, I am withdrawn into myself again. Constantly searching.
Maybe I do not know who I am, but I know who I would like to be. I want to be strong. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I want to feel free, to no longer let my anxieties drag me down. I want to be a difference-maker and change the lives of those around me.
Maybe I can not say who I am but I can identify traits that I have found in my exploration. I care. I care so deeply about everything around me that it physically hurts. I care when I see the tragedies of our world, when I see others being hurt, when I am hurt by others. Yet despite my seemingly quiet presence, I have found that I can be feisty. I do not let others drag me down. I do not let others see my pain. I do not let others hurt my loved ones. From this I discovered my fierce independence. Do not try to control me, I will not bend to your will. I am empowered to make something of myself, to distinguish myself from the rest of the crowd. I persevere through every obstacle, relentlessly. Do not tell me I cannot, that it is impossible, because I will.
Maybe the problem is that I am not just one thing. I am many different things, all blending into one dynamic structure: me. Maybe I am not meant to know who I am right now. Maybe I am not completely myself yet. If this is the case, then I will continue along the path that my life takes, and pick up the pieces of me on the way. When the day comes that I know who I am, I will let the world know. For now, you ask “Who are you?” and I will say “Undecided.”
