It's a Sunday afternoon around 2 p.m. There's a chill in the air, and it's the kind of day that makes me want to curl up on the couch in a fuzzy blanket and watch endless Hallmark Christmas movies. But it's the beginning of December and there is too much to be done — finals week is almost upon us.
As I gaze out the window of the classroom I'm studying in, I notice snow falling in large, fluffy flakes, gradually picking up speed and heading for the ground below. It's beautiful, and I can't help but smile as I turn on my Charlie Brown Christmas album and drift away to the light instrumental music. I busy myself with my work as usual and the day fades into night. As I stare out into the darkness, the happiness that was spread across my face gradually starts to disintegrate. Nighttime has come and something else starts to creep in. This is not a new occurrence for me; I am no stranger to feelings of fear and dread that inhibit almost everything I do.
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I push the bad thoughts away and try to reason with myself. It's crunch time. It's the holiday season. Now is NOT the time for my depression and anxiety to be stopping by with a vengeance. I've got papers to write, meetings to attend, meals to hurry through so I can get back to work. This isn't the time. I have a set schedule to follow in my carefully decorated planner, with lists and deadlines and tasks.
But I'm missing the fundamental part of the holiday season (and every other season as well): I cannot use these things to make excuses about my mental health. Saying that I shouldn't address these things simply because it's the holiday season is never the answer.
The days are getting colder, the nights come earlier, and life can seem to be a bit too much. I know that you're numb and sometimes it has to do with more than just the freezing temperatures outside. It is the holiday season, yes, but don't think you have to hide away inside yourself because you're afraid of not being successful, or letting someone down, or even dampening the joy around you. Don't let Christmas be a reason for pushing your mental health problems even further away. NOW is the time to search inside yourself for comfort, as well as reaching out to those around you. Your family, your friends, anyone you consider to be loved ones — they all keep a watchful eye on you, though you may not even realize it. The pain on your face is hard for you to hide and others see it too. You are not alone in the struggles that you're dealing with, I promise you.
Another reminder that is of utmost importance: take care of yourself as the semester draws to a close. I know you have mountains of work to do and you think there aren't enough hours in the day to complete everything according to your schedule. Believe me, I know. These past few weeks have seen me staying up until 6 or 7 in the morning, scrambling around desperately trying to accomplish my tasks. Give yourself a break. If it's 4 a.m., and you've been studying for hours and your vision's going blurry, stop. Wrap yourself in your comforter and get into bed. Academics are important, yes, but so is your mental health. That's something I need to remember, especially now, because I've been pushing myself way too hard.
I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books of all time, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Albus Dumbledore utters this famous phrase during the first big meal of the new school year: "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
As the snow falls, and you gaze out a window wherever you are in the world, do not let the darkness fool you into thinking that you're worthless. Do not let it swallow you whole. Let the joy radiate from every inch of you. You can find happiness in the smallest of things, like that mini Christmas tree that makes your whole room glow or the package you received from a friend who is thousands of miles away. Turn on a Christmas movie and snuggle up with your dog. Play Apples to Apples with the siblings you haven't seen in weeks. Bake cookies with your mom and make a gigantic mess in the kitchen. These times, these long evenings filled to the brim with slices of cherry pie and pine needles and flour-covered hands, are truly things to savor.
