Its unfathomable really. The pain you can suppress when you’re in good company. Its incomprehensible the emotion that can be coursing through you without the slightest bit of your own knowledge. What will really get you though is the realization of the build up. The fear that every good moment you’ve had, every smile, every time you were curled up on the floor gasping for air after a joke that knocked you off your feet, was shallow in comparison to one all consuming feeling you didn’t know you were capable of. As someone who has dabbled in depression and anxiety, I can tell you there’s no feeling like realizing you’ve been sad all along. That hesitation to go out, that dark cloud looming over you, that stomach ache you convinced yourself was bad food, that was all product of bad incidents building up that we’re masked by pride and the need to help others. If there is one suggestion I can make, one piece of information I want to leave anyone it is to never wait to feel your feelings, a week, a day, even an hour will prolong the healing process in extreme ways, and I can promise you it’s not worth it.
I used to be terrified of my feelings. Terrified that if I addressed what was plaguing me emotionally then it would somehow become my reality. The truth, however, is that by suppressing what I was going through I gave the depression and anxiety the power. I allowed them to define me by hiding them. If I had put half the energy I put into pretending I was okay into recovering sooner I could have saved myself from some of the lowest points of my life. If I had taken care of myself the same way I would my closest friends I could have avoided letting myself become a person I didn’t recognize.
No one can take care of you the way you can. No one will have a better understanding of what you need. Which is why self care and self awareness are both so crucial. While it may be perceived as selfish or insensitive, sometimes it is vital to put yourself first, because you’re the only person in the world who can fully commit to that. We all want to feel important, and we all can if we treat ourselves as such. No one can help you the way you can, and no one can hurt you the way you can.
I urge everyone to look at the way they are harming themselves. If it is being too self critical, ignoring your feelings, not allowing yourself the time to catch a breath, or anything of the sort give yourself a break. Recognize that nothing and no one is perfect. Recognize that you are not alone in your “imperfections”. And please recognize that mistakes don’t have to be synonymous with regret. I spent far too long punishing myself for emotions that were far beyond my control before I took the reigns of my own life. So I will let you in on a secret that I wish I had known earlier; sometimes taking control requires asking for help from your peers and from yourself.
