"I haven't found someone yet," you say in your early 20s.
It's not that you haven't found someone yet, it's that someone hasn't found you yet. Love is not sought out, love finds you — well, whatever love is. The reason we struggle so much with finding someone is because what we're looking for isn't meant to be sought out.
The best almost-relationships I've had in my past have happened naturally. We just clicked and everything worked at its own pace. Most importantly, I wasn't looking for a relationship or anything, honestly.
See, I was comfortable with my life. I had my crushes and flirted but finding a relationship was never the biggest thing on my mind. I enjoyed spending time with my friends, I went to my sports practices and games, I dressed how I wanted to when I wanted to, and guess what? I was seen. I was being completely myself, not in need of anyone, not trying too hard to be a certain version of myself that I thought other people would like.
Have you ever focused on you? Like gotten really, really good at being alone?
What's the longest you've gone without talking to someone who you are interested in? Someone whose name popping up on your phone made your heart jump? What's the longest you've gone without having anyone in your contacts who has potential?
When's the last time you were bundled up in bed watching Netflix and felt that having a significant other there wouldn't feel as good? How long have you gone without craving to just be held?
Have you found yourself comfortable with being completely alone, with no distractions in the form of a name or two on your Snapchat list?
Bottom line: there is a difference between focusing on yourself and not needing anyone else.
A lot of us focus on ourselves and call it self-love, but it's not. I've always heard the saying, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself first," and I've thought, "bullshit." I don't believe that you need to love yourself for someone else to love you, because some people go a whole lifetime without loving themselves and are still amazingly loved by their significant other.
What I do believe in, though, is that you can't love someone else until you're comfortable being alone. Not settling for being alone, but comfortable with being alone.
When we are single and feel alone, we often seek out half-ass relationships, even if they aren't what we need long-term.
Let's say you date someone for two years and you have fun, but you can't really see yourself marrying him, but he's nice and you have your go-to person. You're OK if it doesn't lead to an engagement, because it's what you need right now, right?
But you don't go out to bars as much, you stay in with him. If you do go out for girls night, and a guy talks to you, you have to say, "I have a boyfriend."
What if you met your husband in those two years? But you miss out on him because you're in a relationship in which you don't really care whether or not it lasts.
I think when you crave someone the most, that's when you need yourself more than ever.
A woman who does not crave another person to feel whole, a woman who loves without expecting anything back in return, a woman who is confident in her mind and body — she is beautiful and she draws attention when she walks into the room.
That's what I want for every woman. To feel powerful everywhere she goes because other people will see it. So many women never find this level of comfort with themselves because they're too locked into their relationship or finding a relationship. They spend so much time getting to know someone else, they never have the chance to find that walk-in-the-room-confident-AF power.
Think of yourself getting ready, dressing all cute to go out with your friends. You walk into the bar knowing you look good as hell and any person would be lucky to have you. If no one comes up to you it's fine because you know how amazing you are. You go home and eat drunk food and smile before you go to sleep because you realize that you're comfortable in your own company because your own company is pretty damn great.
I once asked one of my best guy friends what makes a girl stand out to him at the bar. Do you know what he said? How she carries herself. He said he can tell which girls are confident in themselves, and that's attractive.
I have worked tirelessly to develop this power, this glow, this trust in myself, and in who I am.
I find it exciting that any time I step out into public, I could meet the person for me. It could be at the library, at a coffee shop, a bar, an accidental run-in, the grocery store, anywhere. Don't you think that's exciting?
If you're seeking out a relationship and find yourself frustrated that you keep ending up with guys who scream "red flag" or constantly coming up empty-handed... maybe try to find a relationship with yourself.
You're not looking for someone to fix you or complete you, you're looking for someone to compliment you because you're already whole and you are enough.
If you're frustrated that you can't find a relationship, direct that energy to find comfort in yourself.
Love, whatever it is, finds you when you stop looking for it and are comfortable with yourself, and it will be worth it.
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