Without Schmidt, the fat-kid-turned-ladies-man and largest contributor to the Douchebag Jar, New Girl just wouldn't be the same.
Have Your Voice Heard: Become an Odyssey Creator
Here is exam week as told by our favorite, delightful douche, Schmidt:
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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
1. Communicating via email can be awkward.
Without seeing your face, people will often assume you’re the other gender and address you as such, often beginning an email using the wrong article.
2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.
“What time was your appointment?”
“2:00!”
“2:00…?”
“Yes, 2:00.”
“Are you sure?”
3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.
Being asked to repeat yourself, accompanied with a very confused face, is the norm.
4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.
It would just be so much easier if my name were a “typical” boy/girl name.
5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.
“Your parents must be very interesting. Is there a cool story behind it? Why did they name you that? Are you named after a famous ancestor? Is there any meaning to it?” No.
6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.
I’m not the only one! Let’s be friends!
7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.
Nice to meet you… I guess…
8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”
Oh. Okay. That’s nice.
9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.
Hahaha, no. It’s a sensitive topic.
10. People are surprised when they see you.
“Oh, I thought you were a boy/girl.”
“Well. I’m not…”
What is someone supposed to say to that?
11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.
Their name is Mackenzie and I can’t find them on Facebook! Do I address the email Mr. or Ms.???
12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.
“Why did you name me this?! You don’t understand the struggle!”
13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.
Yes, you have an “atypical” name, but that’s rare and awesome and you’re fierce.
CSU
1) You love watching National Geographic specials
Especially this one, which you should all go watch RIGHT. NOW.
2) People constantly ask you "what is anthropology?"
3) Even more often than that, people ask you "what are you gonna do with that?"
4) You've definitely licked a rock at least once
Is it earthenware? Stoneware? Pearlware? Only one way to be sure, really.
5) If you concentrate in archaeology, this gif pisses you off to no end:
6) Staring at people is kind of your thing
What's their clothing made out of? Does their nose size suggest stronger neanderthal genes? What's that prayer they're saying?!
7) The Road to El Dorado speaks to you on an emotional level
And nobody believes you when you try to tell them it's based on a true story. And you pause the movie every five minutes to talk about how goddamn cool the Aztecs were.
8) You know what a bonobo is...
9) And you've had multiple class discussions on monkey sex. Literally.
Vaguely awkward class days, but weirdly crucial to chimp social structure. Who knew.
10) You've taken a field trip to the Smithsonian "Human Origins" exhibit
And you totally freaked out over the reconstructed Lucy.
11) Your family and friends call you Indiana Jones...
And you hate it every time they do.
12) Even though you secretly call yourself Indiana Jones
13) Your professors are so into their subject matter that their powerpoints always consist of 80+ slides
Half the time their presentations are on their own fieldwork. Very cool, but it's just not practical to try to fit 12+ years of hands-on study into a 50 minute class period.
14) You have the same kids in all of your classes
Yes, for all four years. Probably due to the fact that there's only like six anthro majors at your school.
15) Your family thinks you'll never get a "real" job...
16) ...But at the end of the day, digging up tiny shards of pottery and staring at monkeys is your passion. Oh well.
1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!
I get it, my shining pale face among this sea of caramel-toned goddesses is easy to pick out. Thanks for boosting my self esteem.
2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.
Yes, lights on or lights off, you still can't lose me.
3. Can't you just get fake tan?
White+orange= orange. I'm going to let you think that one through.
4. Do you tan or just burn?
By the looks of my lobster-red tan lines after being in the sun for fifteen minutes, I'd say the latter.
5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!
Thanks for transferring all my insecurities to my children. I'm crossing my fingers and toes they won't inherit this trait... for their sake.
6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!
Congratulations!
7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!
Don't turn me against my own kind.
8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!
Must be nice to lay out without having to hide under a towel.
9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.
I'm just reapplying my SPF 5000 every twenty minutes because it's fun for me.
10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??
Yes, because I wanted my nose to disappear in this photo.
11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!
The blood rushes to your face too, ya know. My skin just does a worse job of hiding it...
12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!
Can't a girl wear white or pale pink or light yellow without being ridiculed?!
13. You need to get some sun.
Don't tell me how to live my life.
14. Aren't you excited for summer?
No. Because everyone is the same color as I am in the winter.
But hey, enjoy your tan lines and perfect selfies while you can. Because I'll be laughing when you look like leather and my porcelain skin keeps on keeping on.
1. Child prodigies:
No 9-year-old should be that talented.
2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:
The worst is when you're assigned the same piece. Like why.
3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:
"It gets easier to perform the more you do it." LIES.
4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:
Chances are, those classes require the most practice/rehearsal/homework. And you don't even get credit for all of your hard work.
5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:
It's much harder to appreciate Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 5 in C Minor when all you can think of is all the homework sitting on your desk at home and the inevitable all-nighter in your near future.
6. When your friends try to encourage you after a performance, even though you are criticizing everything in your mind:
"I may have rocked that melisma on the second page, but the Eb in the third bar was really flat."
7. Knowing that there's always that one professor during juries:
Imagine America's Got Talent every semester...for a grade...yeah, Simon Cowell's nothing compared to juries.
8. The oh-so-attractive band/choir uniforms:
I thought we were supposed to look nice?
9. Realizing that a college campus is maybe not the best atmosphere to finish your latest composition:
Is it too hard to ask for some peace and quiet around here?!
10. Hearing "Oh, you sing opera? I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!" for the hundredth time:
'Popera' is not opera. Educate yourself, hon.
11. When people think finals week is a breeze for you.
Actually, it's more like finals month. And not only do we have exams, but we also have countless performances to prepare for. And juries. And essays.
12. When you're drowning in the stress that comes with 18+ credits (and not to mention all those 0 credit classes) and people ask you how you are:
I haven't slept in 6 days, my recital is next week, and I haven't even started researching for the essay on Stravinsky that's due in 2 weeks, but I'm fine.
13. When it all comes down to it, though, you know that at the end of the day, music is your passion:
You're a musician for life. So go out there and kick booty.
Flickr
1. The witty burger names.
2. Louise Belcher's maniacal mind.
3. Gene Belcher, who is all of us when it comes to food.
4. Tina Belcher, a.k.a. my spirit animal.
5. More Tina.
6. Seriously, just all of the Belcher kids.
7. The credits songs.
8. Aunt Gayle.
9. And of course, Bob Belcher.
10. And Linda Belcher, who is me right after Halloween.
11. So raise your glasses and go watch Bob's Burgers!
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