In all of American politics, never has a presidential race been this brutal.
Mud-slinging, name calling, a not-so-funny joke and reply to said joke about the size of someone's "hands", and an all out war have led us to this place. With Republican party elders speaking out against the frontrunner, and half of America committed to his ideology, while the other half watches in horror. In these trying times, the Government Opposition Party is struggling to find a way to find some even ground.
Well, I'm here to announce their search is at an end.
Vermin Supreme has officially announced his candidacy for the White House.
Never heard of Mr. Supreme? That's alright, most people haven't. He's been running for years, and every time just falls short of getting to sit in the Oval Office. If you're unsure whether or not he would make a good president, here's some of his most important causes, if he should be elected Commander in Chief:
1. A free pony for every American.
2. He will go back in time and kill baby Hitler.
3. Mandatory toothbrushing laws for every American.
4. Preparations for the zombie apocalypse will start.
OK, so maybe these ideas seem a little on the left side of the aisle, but it should be noted that recently Vermin quit the Democratic party, so he definitely has a chance to be a Republican candidate now! If you're not sure where to find him, look for the man with a boot on his head, and a Dumbledore-like beard.
If his fourth place finish in the New Hampshire primaries isn't enough to get the GOP excited, though, don't worry, there are other candidates that they can pick from. Just to name a quick few, in the past these have been part of that elite group that have gotten their name on the ballot (mostly as write-ins, but who's paying attention?):
1. Deez Nuts (a 15-year-old who's joke went viral, we're waiting on the results)
2. Roseanne Barr (from the TV show, "Roseanne," last time she got 62 votes)
3. Santa Claus (holly, jolly, and gives away free toys, last time he got 625 votes)
4. Mickey Mouse (it was all started by a mouse, who got 11 votes last time)
5. Al Capone (did hard time at Alcatraz for his gangster ways, got one vote in 1932)
If absolutely none of these spark the GOP's interest, then the party has fallen on hard times indeed. Each one of these American's has had a great impact on our nation, it would be a shame to let them go.
Obviously, you know by now that I'm only kidding. But my point is, although write-in candidates provide plenty of fodder for comedians, people have actually wasted their votes on someone they have no interest in. If you're not sure who you stand behind, take a moment to look at everyone's website, spend a couple of minutes flipping through news networks, see who you can identify with politically.
It's a privilege to vote in this country. Don't ruin it because you want to be funny.
6. Jesus Christ, people
(No seriously, Jesus Christ got 5 votes in 2012)
