Life after treatment has definitely taken a different kind of toll on me. It's not that I would call it good or bad, but it's definitely different. And I'll be real, I'm afraid to be real. Ever since I was discharged, I've found it increasingly easier and easier to just say, "Life is great now!!" Don't get me wrong, I mean, it is. I am so grateful for the life I have been given, and I am content with what God is doing in my heart as I type you this message of hope. But, if I'm honest, I still struggle some days. Old thoughts try to push their way up to the front of my mind. The deadliest and worst of them all hit me right in my core, it attacks my identity. I beat myself down so hard when I make a mistake, and I tell myself that I am not good enough. I'm not good enough to sing, not good enough to play guitar, not good enough for the man I am dating, not good enough for literally anything. And then there are the days where I struggle to eat, because I am unhappy with my physical appearance. I struggle with anorexia and bulimia, still. Yes, the thoughts honestly still torture me, and I feel dishonest saying that they don't. It's a daily struggle of knowing that I am truly loved, and that my appearance does not at all define my heart or how worthy I really am. I have had days where I am tempted to engage in self-harm, even though I am finally six months clean.
But you know what? That's okay It's normal to continue to struggle, even when you're done with treatment and therapy. These are things that never fully go away, these are things that I need to rely on the Lord for. Everyday. When I am weak, He is strong. When I go to Him for a safe fortress, He is always there. He always protects, always provides and always helps me persevere. That is His love for me. His truth floods my heart when I go to His word. His armor protects me from the schemes of the enemy. His wisdom keeps me in rightful check and helps me to walk in truth, rather than the old familiar lies that feel oh too true. It's okay to struggle and doubt, but it's how we deal with it that matters.
Life isn't perfect, but it's good. I am so blessed to be with a man who loves me unconditionally and reflects Christ like love towards me. I'm grateful for my job and for my church family. I'm grateful for the opportunities that the Lord has been giving me in the music ministry industry, and I'm grateful for every learning experience that I encounter. So let's get real, it's the only way we ever heal.
