For an intelligent girl with so much to offer and such high standards, I sure have dated my fair share of pieces of sh*t. I never realized what I deserve and what I should expect from guys because I never really had anything to compare it to. I thought dates were a thing of past times, and respect was earned not expected—something I never seemed to do. I've been hit, choked, called things no woman should be called, and yet I've always stayed. I thought if I could love someone enough, it would make up for the lack of love they showed me; I thought I could love enough for the both of us.

I've never been proud to be in love;

I’ve never had someone I didn’t need to hide one side from my family and friends;

I've never had someone who respects me because I deserve it and didn’t make me earn it;

I’ve never had someone love me—truly love me;

I’ve never had anyone treat me the way I deserve,

until now.

There are so many things I have realized after finally being treated the way I deserve, and with so many girls out there who have a similar dating past, I felt an obligation to share my insights.

This is what I've come to realize:

There’s no excuse for disrespect.
It sucks when you're constantly being disrespected, yelled at, and treated like sh*t. It definitely doesn’t feel good, and it is definitely not something anyone deserves. Looking back, I was pretty foolish to not only allow guys to disrespect me, but also by believing they had a right to. I’ve defended their actions by saying “I deserved it,” when in actuality I know I didn’t—but admitting it would be admitting my lack of self-respect.

Ladies, there is absolutely no reason to be disrespected, and there is never a good enough reason to stay with someone who does. That constant pit in your stomach whenever he yells at you, calls you names, or (like me) physically hurts you; it doesn’t go away until you set yourself free. If he is capable of disrespecting you, he doesn’t love you; if you're accepting his disrespect, you don’t either.

Just because he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either.

Romance should never die, laughter should never stop.
Obviously, every relationship didn’t begin sh*tty, but one thing I realized never seemed to matter was romance and laughter. These are two things that are so easily attainable and so easily maintained when you truly love and are loved by someone.
Romance and laughter to me are one in the same, growing more frequent with time. They shouldn’t fizzle out when the relationship plateaus but rather be heightened the longer you're with someone. Romance is too often only expected through a dozen roses, candlelight dinners at fine dining restaurants, and gifts. While these gestures are nice, and definitely extremely appreciated, they aren’t authentic enough for me.

Ladies, romance is also a feeling, a constant effortless flutter of content and bliss, a feeling every woman deserves. While I still love getting roses, I love when someone makes me laugh more. Remember, romance is a feeling, not simply an action.

Anyone can buy flowers, but no one has ever been able to make me laugh this genuinely blissful laugh, not even I have heard before.

Arguing is not the same as communicating.
Ahhh, arguing. Arguing is something constant in every relationship, but there is a difference between healthy amounts of arguing and arguing to force communication. I’ve been down that road where the only way feelings or opinions were heard or expressed was through arguing, where simple communication didn’t exist. We live in a world where we are constantly exchanging words, but we aren’t actually communicating.

Ladies, there is no better feeling than being able to lay down with your partner after a long day and being able to talk about anything without any fear of judgment or consequences. You should never be made to feel as if your feelings, no matter how silly one may think they are, don’t matter. You can’t always control how you feel, whether it is irrational jealousy or something you didn’t agree with, but your partner should always be able to control how they react.

The most important aspect in a relationship will always be authentic communication. There is no better feeling than going to your partner with a problem, talking about it without the fear of being belittled or faulted, and allowing it to strengthen your relationship rather than complicate it.

People don’t change…
and they shouldn’t ever have to. I’m definitely guilty of trying to change guys, trying to mold them into the potential I saw in them, trying to force myself to believe “if they can just change this/that, they’d be perfect.” When that obviously failed, I’d then try to change myself. I’d try to change my priorities, my beliefs, even the way I acted. I’d change to be the girl I thought they’d grow to love, but a girl I’d soon grow to hate.

Ladies, there are going to be quirks and flaws in every partner you're with, trust me, you have them too; but instead of trying to change them, grow to love them instead. If you can’t love them, at least accept them, and if you can’t accept them, don’t be with them. You aren’t obligated to stay with anyone, so don’t settle and don’t force a love on someone who will never let that exist.

People don’t change, and when you're with the right one, you’ll never feel you or they ever have to. You will learn to embrace these quirks and cherish them like your partner cherishes yours. We’re all uniquely weird in our own beautiful ways, why would anyone want to change that?

Your life shouldn’t revolve around them…
and neither should theirs. Without sounding like a broken record, I've also been here too. I’ve been in failing relationships I’ve tried to save by involving myself too much. I’d stop seeing friends to spend time trying to fix us. I would go out of my way to try to prove my commitment. I’d do anything to make them content (not even happy), even if it made me miserable. I’d expect to spend every spare second with them and expect the same thing in return; not because I truly enjoyed being with them, but because I was scared of what would happen if I weren’t.

Ladies, you never have the opportunity to miss someone if you're always with them, if your every waking moment is immersed in them, or if you don’t appreciate the time without them. Having girls’ nights, study nights, and puppy cuddle nights, are essential in every relationship. Freedom is important for both of you. It allows you to both develop your lives outside of your relationship and helps you appreciate your time both with and without them. Your partner should only be one aspect of your life, not the only one.

You should never take each other for granted.
Nothing is guaranteed and nothing is definite. There was a guy I was with who I never thought would ever leave me—I was wrong. I took him and our relationship for granted. Granted, it wasn’t the healthiest relationship and I definitely should have ended it long before he did, but I should have never thought he never would. Yes, being comfortable and confident in your love and your relationship is one thing, you should never have to worry about the person leaving you and you should trust they never will; but having an “I can do whatever” mentality and not thinking there will be consequences is another thing. Just because you won’t leave, doesn’t mean they won’t if they think they deserve better.

Ladies, neither of you should feel you can stop making an effort to improve and further develop your relationship. Relationships require constant effort, constant love, and constant respect. Thinking this person will never leave “just because,” is different than thinking they won’t leave because you’ve proven they shouldn’t.

Actions speak louder than words.
I’m a writer. I love the way words can be manipulated, but writing well can be learned by anyone. Saying things and acting on them are two completely different things. It’s a great feeling hearing what you want to hear and being told all the things no one has ever said to you before, but having people follow through on those words and turning those words into actions is what differentiates an ordinary partner from a life partner.

Ladies, if your partner is telling you all the things you want to hear but not actually following through with them, they aren’t reliable and they aren’t worth your time. If your partner says they’re going to do something or prove something, make sure they follow through with it, without you having to ask. If someone loves you, they’re going to want to do these things, not because you ask or tell them to, but because they want to—because you deserve it.

Only following your heart isn’t always wise.
Deep down, we all know when we deserve better, but we are often too damaged to do anything about it. I’ve always been told to follow my heart, but while our hearts can be so vulnerable, it’s also important to listen to the voices in your head. It’s easy to be blinded by what you want to see, what you want to believe is true. There are so many times I can remember telling my friends and family, “you just don’t understand,” “you don’t know him like I do—know us,” or my very favorite, “but I love him.” They’ve always been right, deep down I knew it at the time too—I was just hoping for once they could be wrong.

Ladies, while the insight of friends and families should never be a deciding factor in ending a relationship or altering one, their opinions are still important. They’re only being shared to protect you, so listen to what they have to say, don’t just dismiss them because it isn’t what you want to hear.

Everyone is looking to find the right person, the love everyone seems to have but so few actually possess, and the respect so few of us even know we deserve. While it is so easy to get wrapped up in the idea of the perfect partner and the perfect love, it is important you don’t allow yourself to settle for less. It’s hard walking away, it’s hard admitting failure, and it’s hard to start all over again, to let someone else in and risk it all over again. Dating is hard and so is life, but I’d go through all the heartbreak, all the sh*tty guys, all the misery again to get me to where I am now. Even if this is not my last relationship, which I hope it is, I’ve learned to never settle for anything less.

Everyone deserves to be respected the way I am.

Everyone deserves to be treated the way I am.

Everyone deserves to be loved the way I am.