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Final Funk And Death To The Diet

Food Porn the Collegiate Way

Janie Mortell

Dec 22, 2015

Wesleyan University

1. CHOCOLATE

...

I mean a healthy helluva lot of chocolate. Like only chocolate.

2. Baked Goods

I'm thinking anything from scones to cupcakes to muffins to cake to cookies to bread to pie to infinity and beyond.

Now that I think of it, anything carbo-loaded should suffice numero dos.

After all...

3. Uh, I guess my mom would want me to talk about protein....

Behold: protein in all its glory.

So, I shall insist some sort of protein consumption. This will help you make memories, uh, protein will help you with finals... omnomnomnom....

And if the above mentioned protein doesn't whet your palate... Here. Have a nice tasting, muscle-makin' protein shake to control your finals-induced hanger. Yum.

4. CANDY

'Cuz everybody needs a bolt of sugar rush through dem ol' veins. I'm thinking sugar in the most basic forms to the most decadent and exquisite.

When it comes to basic sugars, look for stuff like Pixy Sticks. They're legit just colored sticks full of sugar. Delish.

When it comes to decadent and exquisite sugars, look for stuff at Whole Foods that is made with, uh, like, brown sugar. You know, that, uh, wholesome, "good-for-you" sugar, I guess.

5. Some delicious, heart-clogging COMFORT FOOD.

Mac'n Cheese. Grilled Cheese. Cheeseburger. (Maybe I'm just referring to dishes with cheese).

Hey look-y here! More. Cheese. Everything in life is Gouda.

6. Coffee/Caffeine/Cafe aut lait/Espresso/Brew/Joe/Java/Cafe Noir/Whatever you call your daily fix of excitement juice.

'Nuff Said.

7. Potatoes from France:

Indeed. French fries are the crispy, greasy rewards from Heaven.

8. A big ol' plate of pasta

Think of all the PASTABILITIES one may have come finals.

9. DONUT forget about deep-fried bagels.

10. Possibly the most important food for your finals funk is... KALE. Hail to Kale.

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Final Funk And Death To The Diet

Food Porn the Collegiate Way

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The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

But you can't have a crush, that's outrageous. It's all in your head.

Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

What about those of us who don't do it all in four years?

1. You feel like an elder.

2. You may feel lonely.

3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

6. You are a college pro.

7. You'll have more free time.

8. You're happy you're still in school.

9. You feel like a guru.

10. You continue to grow.

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