I feel like I have tried everything under the sun to stop worrying and calm down on my own but nothing has worked. I have tried every natural remedy, mediation and therapy, but I still feel the same. There comes a point when you have to realize it is out of your control and maybe it is time for medication.
I have been struggling with anxiety since middle school. It is almost impossible for me to imagine what it is like to not be constantly overthinking or worrying about something that most of the time, hasn't even happened yet.
My anxiety wasn't too bad in high school, but looking back I just think I didn't have enough self-awareness to realize it was a problem. I really felt like something in me wasn't normal when I started college.
I was just worrying, stressing and overthinking every day to the point where I physically was making myself sick. And after talking to other people I realized that not everyone felt like this. So why did I?
Generalized anxiety disorder is much more than the normal anxiety people experience day to day. It is chronic and people experience severe worry and tension. It is a real disorder and can't be fixed from what so many people have told me, "Just don't worry about it." People with anxiety to this level just have something chemically off in their brain.
Anxiety to me feels like I'm constantly walking on eggshells through my life, with this just overall fear that has no real cause. The symptom I hate the most is the dissociated veil that I have over my eyes. I just feel kind of out of it all the time and I feel like I'm just waiting for that veil to lift so I can start to live my life.
I didn't decide to seek anti-anxiety medication until I saw the physical toll my anxiety was having on my body. Headaches, bladder and neck pain all caused by my muscles being so tight from the worry. I just can't let this go on any longer and see what other damage it can do.
I haven't wanted to be put on anti-anxiety medication so my mom and I have tried everything else we could think of for years but nothing has worked.
I am scared of the possible side effects and I am scared of the possibility that it won't work or that it will make me feel worse, but I have to try.
I owe it to myself to be brave and take this step in hopes that someday I can feel at peace and think clearly. I honestly do not know what it is like to not have a racing mind filled with fearful what if's and that makes me sad.
I deserve to be happy and live my life fearlessly and that is exactly what I am going to do.
Once I find a medication that works it's going to feel like I am finally awake. I'm going to be a whole new me.
And I can't wait to meet her.
